Celebrities set resolutions for the new year


As the third and final holiday that completes the so-called “holiday season,” New Year’s Day is always looked forward to by the majority of civilization. Christmas is over, but the fun is not. The American populace is back to watching football instead of Christmas movies (as fun as they are), and back to focusing what little energy they have on nursing hangovers instead wondering what the actual heck Kwanzaa is even about.

One of the most solid traditions around New Year’s Day is the making of resolutions. Scores of people around the world vow to add something positive to their life for the upcoming year, or remove something negative at the very least. Though they are immune to many of the other rules governing our lives, famous people still make resolutions too.

Resolutions, good or bad, often start at the top. Funion correspondents at the White House reported that real estate tycoon and reality television star Donald Trump resolves to send the Mexicans back to Africa. Quite a massive undertaking, but with enough poorly reviewed legislation and a complete breach of civil liberties, it can be done.

Among other heads of state, North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un made several resolutions as well. Though the Funion staff did not care enough about what the Glorious Leader said to translate it into English, we suspect more empty threats.

With their lives constantly in the spotlight, it is no small wonder that there were many resolutions made among the entertainment crowd. Singer Michael Bublé resolves to create a Christmas tune that will rival the popularity of Mariah Carey’s “All I Want for Christmas is You.” The Funion also spoke to Carey, who claims that she will not lose the Christmas music throne to anyone, even if it means killing Bublé with her own hands.

“Star Wars” director Rian Johnson reports that he will make the ninth “Star Wars” movie as socially progressive as possible, even if it means sacrificing vital story points that have been present since the franchise began in 1977. Many other resolutions were made surrounding the “Star Wars” franchise. Donald Glover, better known as rapper Childish Gambino, says that he resolves to use his popularity to add to his role as Lando Calrissian in “Solo: A Star Wars Story” and singlehandedly save what looks to be a fabulous dud of a movie. Also, actor Danny DeVito reports that he is pursuing a role as a Porg in upcoming “Star Wars” films.

Perhaps the most resolute of all humans, many professional athletes shared their New Year’s resolutions as well. Cleveland Browns quarterback and Ohio native DeShone Kizer vows to “throw all of the footballs” in 2018. Browns head coach Hue Jackson could not offer any clarity to Kizer’s statement, but told the Funion that he would keep Kizer on life support as long as there are signs of brain activity.

From the NHL, Pittsburgh Penguins star center Sidney Crosby resolves to finally quit trying to grow facial hair, regardless of playoff superstition. Crosby also said he would open up about his relationship with hockey great and longtime CBC commentator Don Cherry. Both Crosby and Columbus Blue Jackets winger Brandon Dubinsky also made resolutions to pick smarter fights.

In case you thought business owners had no feelings, the Funion gathered some resolutions from Silicon Valley. Tech mogul and Apple CEO Tim Cook promised an iPhone that is even more breakable than the new iPhone X, and also vowed large sums of iTunes credit to those who can prove they have actually read Terms and Conditions before pressing “Agree.” Facebook CEO and notorious android Mark Zuckerberg resolves to gather even more personal data from Facebook users as part of his ongoing attempt to discover what it actually feels like to be human.

If upstanding celebrities like those that spoke with the Funion can make such resolutions, so can you. Cut back on sugar by leaving the cherry off your sundae, find an anonymous online outlet to rant about people you hate instead of bothering your followers with your thoughts, and maybe try to make it to March before you quit going to the gym.

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