*The following is a work of satire*
In September of 2015, now senior Jane Bichols was attacked by a bat upon exiting Blackmore Library and was taken to Mount Carmel for medical treatment. The staff at the hospital said that they hadn’t seen a bat attack in years, considering that they are so rare.
After five follow-up visits to the hospital and multiple rabies vaccinations, Bichols was finally free to begin to put this traumatizing event behind her.
Unfortunately for Bichols, and many other students on campus, the vicious bat had a friend lurking in the shadows.
Albus the albino squirrel is a new addition to campus that has made quite a name for himself. Three weeks ago, Albus attacked Bichols while she was walking toward Battelle.
Similarly to the bat attack, Albus entangled himself in Bichols’ hair, causing her to lose a bit of it and require more medical attention at Mount Carmel.
Bichols was unavailable for comment.
Last week, Albus struck again, attacking Myke Tison, senior, on his way into the public safety building.
“I was walking up the stairs, looking at the word ‘safety,’ when all of a sudden this rodent burst out of a bush and lunged at my head,” Tison said. “It was quick, but painful. [He] clawed at my forehead and crawled down the back of shirt before I finally shook him off of me.”
Tison was escorted to the same hospital as Bichols.
“I’ve never seen a campus with an issue of having obscure animals attack students,” RN Ami Poler said. “Of course I feel terrible for these people, but I can’t help but get a kick out of it.”
Public safety took quite the hit from administration following the attack, considering that it happened right outside of their building.
Campus president Daniel Bogman spoke publicly about the incident on 10TV news last night.
“The last thing that Capital wants is a bad reputation,” Bogman said. “In hopes of putting an end to the mayhem that’s been caused by these wild animals, we plan on finding Albus and having him euthanized.”
The broadcast was seen by hundreds of people belonging to the greater Columbus area and was, for the most part, well received.
“College students have enough to worry about without having to watch their back for some deranged squirrel,” Bexley citizen Jona Fisher said. “I say catch him and kill him. Put us all out of our misery. It’s only a matter of time before he gets out onto the streets and starts attacking our children.”
While supported by the community, Bogman’s decision to euthanize Albus came as quite the shock to Capital students.
“I have mixed emotions about this,” senior Seline Deeon said. “On one hand, Albus is a real terror. On the other hand… He’s a squirrel.”
Tison heard the news of Albus’s possible demise and refused to comment.
Bogman and his board of executives will be meeting next week to discuss the matter in more detail, where they will be greeted by a group of enraged animal activists who have been supporting “Justice for Albus” and “Free Al” t-shirts around campus since word first broke of Bogman’s wishes.
More word on the fate of Albus the albino squirrel will be released promptly following the meeting.
