*The following is a work of satire*
In response to a dwindling demand for news and a lacking supply of resources, the Chimes student newspaper has chosen to decrease publication to once a year.
After 90 years of circulation, the Chimes has depleted its entire forest area that was dedicated to making the paper for the print issues. The Chimes Forest, located in Cuibana, Brazil, grew strong and mighty for 89 years. This past year, however, the Chimes was left with one measly tree, barely large enough for two semesters worth of publication.
“We are all devastated to hear about the Chimes demise,” said university president, Daniel Bogman. “Administration has always enjoyed reading about how terrible campus is and how we’ve made all of the wrong decisions. Now how will we ever know how the students really feel?”
When asked if he would read an online-only issue, Bogman just laughed.
Due to printing and shipping costs, moving to another forest or country would cost more money than the paper is worth. There has also been pressure from many different environmental activist groups to shut down the paper due to the massive deforestation it has caused.
In addition to losing the resources for printing, the Chimes, once a primary source of news for Capital’s campus, has since become merely a nuisance to students.
“They’re always asking for quotes about stupid stories no one cares about, like this article. Who actually reads the Chimes anymore?” said junior John Mackle.
Mackle also commented on the boxes set up in the buildings that display the current week’s Chimes papers. He believes they block an unnecessarily large amount of the hallways.
“Where am I supposed to walk?” Mackle said.
Instead of reading the Chimes, many students have found alternative uses for the paper.
“I use the Chimes as a lining for my rat’s cage. I feel bad giving them such worthless bedding, but I’m a broke college student and there are always issues laying around,” said senior, Summer Justice.
Justice is one of many students who has reported using Chimes issues in ways other than they were intended, such as for extra dorm bed padding, step stools to reach high shelves, shower shoes, and tampons.
At the end of this semester, the Chimes will cease publication until April 2017, in which all of the news from the 2016-2017 school year will be recapped. In order for that issue to be published, the Chimes staff will hope and pray that the tree they planted last fall will have grown large enough to be slaughtered.
The last regularly scheduled issue will be released April 21. Be sure to stock up on extra copies to last the entire year for all of your alternative needs.