*The following is a work of satire*
On Sunday, students were awoken by a Capital (Cap) Alert System message that simply read, “CapAlert: Bomb!”
Initially many people did not believe the claim because a Cap Alert was hastily sent last week to warn the campus community of a routine tornado drill.
First-year Bob Ross said that he now uses the Cap Alerts as an unorthodox alarm.
“The constant updates with irrelevant and conflicting information only ever annoy me… I figured they’d actually make the perfect wake up call for my morning classes or from my midday naps,” he said.
Following Sunday’s Cap Alert dissemination, public safety arrived to the scene to investigate not only the threat but the vague rhetoric of the message.
Public safety officers soon discovered that the message was a complete misunderstanding.
“It turns out that when a prospective student yelled, “Capital is the bomb!” by the fountains, his paranoid campus tour guide misinterpreted his value judgement as a security threat,” said campus police chief Andy Atkins.
Although no real threat ever existed, the confusion felt Sunday points to a greater problem with the Cap Alert system.
As police continued to investigate the Cap Alert messaging system, they found themselves in the tunnels underneath the school.
With flashlights in hand, officers found a group of disgruntled Bexley residents who had infiltrated the system and were now using it for their own nefarious purposes.
Atkins said that the residents were still angry about the installation of the football stadium lights, so they decided to seek revenge by sending only mildly helpful messages:
“CapAlert: Gas leak in Construction site Bexley campus. Avoid [AREA]. Do not smoke, use cell phone, open-flames or light switches in or around building.”
“CapAlert: This is a Tornado Drill. There is no real emergency. Proceed to the nearest severe weather safe area in your building and then resume your normal activities. Thank you for your cooperation.”
The Bexley residents knew that the university would use this system “in only high-level emergencies,” which are defined as “a sudden, unforeseen occurrence of a serious and urgent nature.”
Their plan involved alerts full of minor inaccuracies, uncritical information, and redundant number of messages that would eventually result in a state of student anarchy and the toppling of the stadium lights.
Fortunately, public safety returned the Cap Alert system to the proper university authorities, knowing that problems like those created by a crazed group of tunnel dwellers could never occur with the university in charge.
