Capital athletes receive strength from unlikely source

Satire

Recently, Capital University athletics have embraced the results of a fascinating study and are using it to their advantage. A new scientific study shows that consuming copious amounts of alcohol actually increases muscle mass.

While the Capital Athletic Department has yet to fully endorse this practice, individual teams are beginning to work this into their conditioning regimens.

This new practice was initially taken on by individual athletes before being taken up by an entire team. Women’s soccer forward Maura Crowder was among the very first.

“It works pretty well,” Crowder said of her newfound conditioning habit. “Though it still doesn’t explain why I was better in high school than I am now.”

Crowder was quick to add that she is looking forward to going out and drinking before games when the 2017 season comes around.

Another student athlete eager to add this strange new practice to his regimen was football player D’achilles “Dack” Fitzrogers.

Upon graduating from high school in rural South Carolina, Fitzrogers originally committed to play at University of Central Florida (UCF). After one football season and half of a year of school, he decided he was tired of the Division I bench and left UCF for Capital.

“I was basically only on the team for the parties,” Fitzrogers said of his brief stint as a UCF Knight, “and no one knew I actually played football.”

Dack Fitzrogers now starts as outside linebacker for the Capital Crusaders and is excited to put his Division I party know-how to use within a Division III football program.

Perhaps the most significant application of this new discovery comes from the men’s lacrosse team. Their acceptance of this alcohol-soaked training program solidifies the first team-wide participation at Capital.

Senior defenseman Paxton Andreghetti welcomed the fact that a conditioning method he had been practicing since eighth grade had finally come to the forefront of his team’s training.

“Ever since my parents started buying me alcohol, I had noticed a connection between my performance and my increasingly heavy underage drinking,” Andreghetti remarked .

Upon further discussion of the subject, Andreghetti revealed to the Funion that he wished he had gotten his teammates to cooperate with this system earlier.

“I wish my high school would have gotten in on this on a bigger scale,” Andreghetti said, “and between the money my parents have and how good friends our family is with the family of the athletic director, I’d be willing to bet that we could have gotten it finalized in high school.”

Regardless of how much money and influence the Andreghetti family has in Paxton’s hometown, the men’s lacrosse program at Capital is projected to rise in the conference rankings.

More athletic teams are scheduled to embrace this curious scientific breakthrough that alcohol aids muscle growth. Hopefully, this will lead to improvement within Capital University athletics.

Hopefully…

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