Capital raises tuition, lowers expectations

Satire

Capital has announced that it is raising its tuition rates by $3,500, beginning the 2017-2018 academic year. This is a 10 percent increase from the previous year.

University officials are hoping this increase will deter enrollment and lower retention rates, ultimately providing more parking spaces on campus and freeing up dorm rooms for students.

President Paula Bethany is fully supporting the tuition increase.

“For years, we’ve been dealing with a lack of parking spaces and housing options, but now we have a concrete solution,” Bethany said. “Our ultimate goal is to lose about 300 incoming freshmen this year. According to our calculations, that will free up all the rooms in Cotterman Hall, along with 100 additional parking spaces.”

Vice President of Business and Finance Wayne Worren confirmed President Bethany’s claims.

“In the long-run, we’ll add an additional $540,000 in annual revenue,” Worren said. “This will allow us to focus our resources on more pressing matters. Once the revenue starts coming in, we can finally offer Aramark the lifetime contract that students have been asking for.”

To spread the word about these initiatives, Capital is launching a new recruitment campaign titled, “Pay More for Less.” The concept may seem strange to some, but many incoming students are taking to the idea.

“I was confused at first, but it all makes sense now,” Debby Johnson, high school senior at Bexley High, said. “I’m glad Capital is so transparent. Now I can confidently commit to Otterbein University,”

Current students appear to be on-board as well.

“I’m more than happy to leave Capital in order for someone else to live in a dorm with mice, mold, and no AC,” second-year student Jack Tucker noted. “I’ll miss the stale food and occasional food poisoning from Aramark, but I’m sure I’ll get over it.”

There are no current plans for the addition of new parking lots or student housing, so many will have to decide if the increasing tuition is worth it or if they would be better off going to any other school in the country.

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