Group of faculty get all news from the Chimes

Satire

In an age where fake news is around every corner and national news outlets pander to the lowest common denominator of viewers, a small group of faculty at Capital have decided to get all of their news from the university’s official student newspaper, the Chimes.

“If you’re looking to be well informed, you’re better off reading the Chimes than the New York Times,” Michael Wiltbrunner, professor of philosophy, said. “There’s no ideological slant. The coverage of campus issues is just killer. A real slam dunk.”

The Chimes, which has been published weekly since the fall of 1926, is entirely student-run and as such is not considered part of the lamestream media.

“I can assure you that I personally have never been invited to any meetings of the lamestream media,” Luke Landerson, President-in-Chief of the Chimes, said. “When I took over at the end of last year, I applied for my official credentials and waited all summer, but they never came. I guess they just don’t count student papers.”

Landerson said that the Chimes is committed to bringing the campus community the whole “capital T truth,” and that he appreciates the readership and trust of people like Professor Wiltbrunner.

But others do not think the Chimes is so balanced and fair in their coverage.

Michael Wiltbrunner

“They’re all liberals,” Matt White, a senior political science major, said. “They even endorsed crooked Hillary. And they’re always criticizing the Donald. They’re really just fake news. It’s sad.”

Other students criticized the Chimes for not doing enough event recaps and listicles.

“I prefer to read Buzzfeed, or the Odyssey Online,” Alice Beckett, senior and president of the Delta Cappa Apple Pie sorority, said. “They just have much more content geared toward my interests. Like stuff about decorating your dorm room and good first date ideas.”

Another faculty member who has decided to only read the Chimes is adjunct history professor Marvin Saucerman.  

“I was initially put off by [the Chimes] when they ran that totally biased story about Dr. Jill Stein being late to her rally at Capital back in September,” Saucerman said. “But Professor Wiltbrunner convinced me when he showed me a Free Press article that said she flew to Cincinnati by mistake. Turns out she really was late.”

When asked why some faculty still insist on reading national papers such as the New York Times or Washington Post, Wiltbrunner said that “everyone has their own box, and they only want news that fits into their box … But if you value arguments and facts as much as I do, then the Chimes is the only source you need.”

The last print issue of the Chimes for the semester will be released on April 6, with publication not resuming until August. Wiltbrunner and Saucerman said that they are unsure where to get their news in the meantime.

“I’m open to suggestions,” Wiltbrunner said. “But best argument wins.”

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