Old Cosi building to be turned into strip club

Satire

On Aug. 15, 2017, the derelict Cosi building on Main Street will become the new home of Bexley’s very first strip club: The Ball Pit.

Cosi closed down last semester, and since then, students have voiced their opinions about what they think should go where the restaurant once was. Many other food joints were brought up: Buffalo Wild Wings, Chick-fil-A, and Raising Canes, to name a few. None of these businesses, though, were willing to partner with Capital and the community to the degree that business mogul Dennis Finebutt was.

Finebutt opened The Money Pit, The Ball Pit’s older brother, on Sunset Boulevard in California on April 20, 2015.

“Business has been BOOMING since we opened, so when Kissler called, I figured why not,” he said.

Mayor Kissler reached out to the business after he found out that Cosi would be closing.

“I think this will be a culture shock for the community, but a needed one,” he said. “Plus, it will be interesting and fun to incorporate night life into the neighborhood.”

In the interest of appealing to Capital, Finebutt made arrangements with the office of business and finance to have his menu items included in the CapBucks program.

“Yeah, students will be able to get all kinds of stuff with [CapBucks],” he said. “Burgers, Jell-O shots, a lap dance. Whatever they want.”

Unfortunately, vice president of business and finance Wayne Worren has confirmed that CapBucks will not be able to be used to purchase lap dances.

“That’s a little too progressive for us,” Worren said.

Community members have expressed both distaste and excitement about The Ball Pit.

Fiona Strongbottom, gynecologist and mother of two, said that she thinks the idea of a strip club is “appalling” and “trashy.”

“I don’t want my kids to have to walk past that kind of establishment every day,” she said.

Ben Dover, 67-year-old widower, said while nursing a can of PBR that there’s “nothing wrong with looking at a beautiful woman.”

“Yeah there’s a lot of kids in the neighborhood, but they’ve gotta learn some time,” Dover said.

One community organization that’s looking forward to the addition is The Sexual Deviants, a group committed to creating a safe and secure environment for people who want to talk about sexual-related things: orientation, stripping, prostitution, etc.

Founder and president Dev Strokes said that he was “willing to hold seminars at Capital to help introduce students to the art that is exotic dancing.”

Strokes is excited for the organization to get back on the map, as they haven’t had much to do since the closure of Bexley’s only adult film and video store. “I’m still pretty bummed about it, but I have a feeling the The Ball Pit will end up being a second home for a lot of our [group] members.”

Finebutt will be holding open interviews for all Capital students upon his arrival in August. Students will be given first priority during the hiring process because they will have the opportunity to apply for work study upon their hiring.

“We wanna create opportunity for college students, ya know,” Finebutt said.

The Ball Pit will be accepting applications for the following positions: exotic dancer, bartender, server, test tube shot server, party room entertainer, and party room “room service.”

“The party room is super popular at The Money Pit, so The Ball Pit should do well, too,” Finebutt said. “Reservations are booked-up through Christmas, so I created the position of party room ‘room service.’ Things get pretty rowdy in there.”

The only requirements for employment are that applicants are over the age of 18, have no STD’s, and understand that life is really just one big moral gray area.

“We’re really excited to see the talent that Bexley has to offer,” Finebutt said.

One thought on “Old Cosi building to be turned into strip club

Leave a Reply