July 4, 2020

Saucerman arrested on weed charges; sad

Adjunct history professor Marvin Saucerman has stepped forward to admit to accusations that he’s been growing marijuana in the tunnels underneath campus.

The news broke on Tuesday night when junior music technology major Jack Phony smelled the potent greenery from a practice room in the conservatory.

“I just followed my nose, man,” Phony said. “I only ratted on Saucerman cause he didn’t accept my ultimatum: weed for silence.”

Phony has since been taken into custody.

University President Paula Bethany responded to the news in a statement yesterday morning.

“It’s very unfortunate that this has been happening right under our noses for upwards of one year,” Bethany said. “I know that last year [Saucerman] talked about implementing a new green initiative at Capital, but this is not what I thought he had in mind.”

The president will have a meeting with other faculty members next week to discuss the termination of Saucerman’s employment contract.

“I hate to have to think about firing Professor Saucerman, but the fact of the matter is that he broke the law,” Bethany said. “Sure, there are worse things he could have done, but there has to be some kind of punishment for this.”

When asked for comment, Saucerman simply said “green is good,” and returned to meditating in the back of the police car.

Saucerman has been living in the tunnel system since 2015 in an effort to help “eliminate his own carbon footprint.”

Police found the pot plants immediately after entering the tunnels from the door in the conservatory basement. The only morsels of food in the area were home-grown vegetables and herbs and a container full of brownies. Saucerman also up-cycled his surroundings by making curtains out of old candy wrappers and a bed of previous years Funion newspapers. The reason for the curtains are unknown, as there are no windows in the tunnels.

Administration has plans to clean out the tunnels and create code-based locks for all entrances into them. All of Saucerman’s belongings will be given to his family, who was unavailable for comment. The weed, on the other hand, will be confiscated by the police, and there is really no way to tell what will happen to it after that.

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