Suspicious urn sparks controversy

Satire

It seems like nursing students are perpetually stressed. With case studies, exams, return demonstrations and clinicals, it’s as if they can’t catch a break. But recent news has revealed that the stress levels of students may be due to something slightly more sinister.

“I saw this girl in class up until the first exam,” second-year nursing student Matt Zoychofski said. “I never knew her name, and then one day she just never showed up to class again. It was weird. When I asked a professor, they acted like they didn’t know what I was talking about.”

Students have also reported hearing screams and smelling a burning odor throughout the nursing wing over the past few weeks, as well as seeing professors carrying around dustpans for no apparent reason.

Rumors about the whereabouts of no-name students continued to circle, but the nursing department declined to comment on the matter.

As students became increasingly suspicious, a shocking clue was suddenly brought to light on the third floor of Battelle Hall.

“It just appeared one day—I’m not sure who left the clue, but they sure are brave,” third-year student Rachel Doupikin said.

The urn marked “ashes of nursing students” caused panic among students in the nursing department, making them wonder if they too would disappear before their next exam.

It is believed that the urn was left by a fearless nursing student in a desperate attempt to expose what the department officials do behind closed doors.

“The idea that the nursing department has anything to do with murder sounds like a bad Agatha Christie novel and is simply untrue,” said Professor Renee Nuddington.

While the urn stayed in place for about a week, students noticed one day that the note had been ripped off and thrown in the trash.

“I think it just shows that they’re trying to hide it from us, but I think something fishy is going on,” second-year Laura Donaldson said.

While students have speculated motives ranging from NCLEX pass rates to using ashes as incense for CAM therapies, no one truly knows why these suspicious activities seem to be happening.

As students prepare for finals, it is advised that they study hard, do their best and try to avoid burnout—literally.

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