Brass Ball Pit: Business in the front, party in the back

Satire

A new bar and restaurant is coming to town, and they’re not afraid to turn some heads. Get ready for Bexley’s finest sit-down restaurant with a backroom strip club: the Brass Ball Pit.

Following an outpour of discontent from the Bexley public regarding the opening of its first strip club, the Ball Pit, Mayor Ben Kissler has announced that instead, the building that was once Cosi will reopen as a Brassica chain location. However, Kissler also said that the city has no plans of breaking contract with mogul and Ball Pit investor Dennis Finebutt.

“We [the city] signed a contract with Finebutt back in March of last year,” Kissler said. “I’m a man of my word…plus, you know, legalities.”

Kissler previously expressed excitement for the originally planned Ball Pit, what would have been Bexley’s very first strip club.

To compromise, Brassica and the Ball Pit will merge to create a business focused on food, drink, community and exotic dancing.

Brass Ball Pit will be a restaurant in the front half of the brick and mortar, offering common menu items as well as seating. The back half will serve as the strip club portion of the joint. This section will be closed until 4 p.m. and will stay open until 2 a.m., while the restaurant will operate from 11 a.m. to 10 p.m.

“It’s perfect, really,” Marc Pie, the chosen general manager for Brass Ball Pit, said. “People who are coming in the evening for the strip club can dip out and get food for at least some of their visit.”

In addition to offering a unique experience, Brass Ball Pit has also partnered with Capital to create jobs for students.

Working at the restaurant is a possibility, but students interested in working in the strip club may be eligible to receive work study funding through financial aid.

“When I found out about this program, I was like, ‘Whoa,’” junior Amanda Please said. “I work at the [Brassica] downtown, and I go to school [at Capital] obvi, so I’m interested in transferring and learning how to work a pole.”

Additionally, students will be able to use their CapBucks in both sections of the building. Nothing like dinner and a lap dance paid for by–probably–the government.

The announcement of Brass Ball Pit has sparked some controversy in the community, but not nearly to the extent that the Ball Pit did.

“Look, I like dancing or whatever as much as the next guy,” Harold Kramer, Bexley resident and stay-at-home dad, said. “All I ask is that I’m able to buy a burger there, and with these two companies merging, now I can. So I’m a happy man.”

Brass Ball Pit is set to open on Dec. 10 of this year, just in time for Christmas.

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