Getting to the point: sub shops in Bexley fight for dominance, customers

Satire

A new Bexley ordinance has been proposed to help limit the number of sub sandwich shop choices residents have for dining options. Beginning on April 1, Jimmy John’s, Penn Station and Jersey Mike’s will now have to knife-fight to determine which shop will be open that day.

“We’ve noticed that a lot of Bexley residents have troubles choosing which shop to go to for lunch,” Mayor Kissler said. “If they can’t choose, they’re more likely to leave the city for lunch, which doesn’t bring in revenue. By only opening one shop per day, the freedom of choice and struggle of indecision goes away.”

The winner of the fight will get to open during its regular business hours while the losers tend to theirĀ  wounds.

The rules for the knife-fights are very simple:

  1. Murder is not the goal — only incapacitation.
  2. The battle is over when one opponent can no longer perform their sub-ly duties, as designated by a referee.
  3. Total length of the instrument must be under 9 inches long. That means no machetes, broadswords, axes, or anything of the sort.
  4. For battles too intense, the safe word is “toasted.”

“We may be the newest sub shop in town,” Miguel Wedge of Jersey Mike’s said, “but we’ve got a lot of big guys who work here, so we’re not too worried.”

Upon hearing of the new ordinance, President Paula Bethany knew she wanted to help strengthen Capital’s ties with Bexley through this opportunity.

“We’ll now be offering internship credit through the city of Bexley,” said Bethany. “Athletic trainers can help warm-up and train the employees before the fight, EMF majors can run a live sports broadcast narrating the fight and nursing majors can attend to wounds at the scene. Additionally, business majors can help analyze the new profit margins for the shops, communications majors can run press releases and create advertising and math majors can run the illicit betting ring.”

“I don’t like this idea,” Farley Torpedo of Jimmy John’s said.

The concept has faced some backlash from Bexley residents and sub shop employees alike, but Kissler wants to assure people that this is the best tactic for solving the sub shop situation.

“This seems like a crazy strategy,” said Kissler, “but the city council ultimately decided that knife-fights were the way to go. Not only will they entice people to enter the city’s strongest shop, but it would also attract tourists who are interested in viewing the event.”

Kissler also mentioned that the fights will be free for now, but if there is a strong interest, they may begin charging a nominal entrance fee to watch. The fee would go towards street cleaning after the fights and to the medical bills of repeat participants.

Pamela Zeppelin of Penn Station is optimistic for the future of her shop. “Everyone underestimates us,” Zeppelin said, “but we spend every day being splattered by hot oil from the fryers, so we’re used to pain.”

The fights will start at 10 a.m. at the intersection of South Cassingham Road and Main Street and will last a maximum of 15 minutes, so the winning sub shop can be ready to open by 11 a.m. for the start of the lunch rush.

“We’re usually sad that everyone forgets about us,” said Hogan Hero of Subway, “but in this case, please continue to ignore our existence.”

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