Student government settles on drunk bus as new mascot

Satire

Student government has chosen the drunk bus as the university’s mascot after the death and consumption of Purpose the Porpoise at last year’s seafood barbeque.

“The drunk bus represents everything that the Capfam is about: unity, friendship and having fun,” Andrea Rodgers, chair of the student government’s mascot committee, said.

Although the decision is still pending approval by the administration and board of trustees, many students, faculty and staff embrace the mascot as their own. T-shirts and other merchandise are selling quickly in the bookstore.

When asked about her stance on the student government decision, President Paula Bethany said she’s supportive of the change from porpoise to drunk bus.

“After the loss of our beloved Purpose, it only makes sense to change the mascot,” Bethany said. “I think the drunk bus is a good fit for our community; it represents where students have been and where they’re going.”

This is not the first time student government has proposed a mascot change, and some students fear it won’t be the last.

“I feel like this is some capitalist scam to force students to buy new Capital apparel,” junior Ross Johnson said. “Can’t we just settle on something?”

The university has changed its mascot four years in a row to get away from Cappie the Crusader, a symbol many members of the community felt was offensive.

In 2015, the mascot was changed from the crusader to the eggplant in an effort to keep with Capital’s purple theme. This plan backfired, as many in the community were offended by the phallic nature of the eggplant.

Due to the uproar over the eggplant’s sexual symbolism, student government approved the change from eggplant to white squirrel in 2016.

When Paula Bethany was named president of the university, student government chose to honor her value of purpose by adopting Purpose the Porpoise as the university’s mascot.

Student government president Jonathan Walker, who is supportive of the bill, says he doesn’t expect any push-back on the change by the administration or the board of trustees.

Heather Barr

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