Students aren’t critical of the Chimes because they don’t read it

Satire

What do students really think about the Chimes? To get some constructive criticism, we interviewed students around campus, hoping to get as much input as possible.

When asked their least favorite thing about the Chimes, students struggled to think of answers. And that wasn’t because they couldn’t think of anything bad to say. They actually didn’t really have an opinion on the Chimes at all.

“I’ve honestly never read the Chimes before,” first-year nursing major Sarah Markel said.

That kind of response was to be expected. Not everyone reads newspapers.

“I guess I can’t find it anywhere,” first-year Ava Stepanic said. “Like, I don’t even know where to pick it up or where it would be.”

And the trend of unknowing continued.

“I guess, maybe, that I don’t know that much information about the Chimes,” first-year Sydney Preston said.

Even when a student that actually reads the Chimes was finally interviewed, her input was similar to the others.

“My least favorite thing about the Chimes is not necessarily about the Chimes themselves, but the fact that it’s not as known throughout campus,” junior Moriah Reichert said. “That people aren’t engaged in it very much.”

So what could we possibly do to fix the problem that so many students seem to have? We turned to some of the other Chimes staff for their thoughts.

“I don’t really blame them,” Heather Barr, staff reporter, said. “I usually only read the stuff that I write. I couldn’t tell you the last time I read an article written by anyone else.”

Barr isn’t the only staff member who doesn’t read what is published.

“Reading? Yeah, I don’t do that,” Matt McCroskey, staff photographer, said. “I’m just here to build up my photography portfolio.”

If the students that work for the Chimes don’t even read it, what hope is there?

“I would read the whole paper if everyone else was as good as a writer as I am, but that’s not the case,” Sydney Deibert, staff reporter, said.

Upon hearing about the staff’s response to the question, editor-in-chief Valerie Szabo called an emergency meeting. We were informed that not reading the newspaper we work for is something that happens, but not something we’re supposed to talk about.

“From now on, pretend that you’ve read the entire thing,” Szabo said.

We’re delighted to announce that the Chimes staff now reads every sentence within every issue. And if we can read every article, other students should be able to read at least one occasionally.

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