University president named new driver of the Drunk Bus

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President Paula Bethany is set to become the new Drunk Bus driver in order to chaperone the students’ intoxicated Thursday night adventures and keep them safe.

Following the previous driver’s resignation, Bethany said that she is ready to handle whatever gets thrown at her.

“Our driver quit because he said that the students were way too rowdy and that they kept calling him names,” Bethany said. “After my first experience riding the bus back in 2016, I know that the students absolutely love me and will be thrilled to know that I am taking over … I know how to party, and don’t think I’ll cramp their style at all.” 

Bethany, who has undergone extensive bus driving training in the past few weeks, barely passed the final exam but won’t let that stop her from following her dreams. “D’s get degrees,” she said.

“Bus drivers are never great at what they do, you know? I’m a university president; how bad can I really be at this?” Bethany said.

She is extremely excited to spend some extra time bonding with her students while keeping them safe in the process.

“Plus, it will be an added bonus to get hip … learn where the cool bars and clubs are, what the kids are doing these days, all that good stuff,” Bethany said. 

Students are just as excited to have Bethany as their Drunk Bus driver.

“Personally, I think it’s exciting that President Bethany will be driving us around,” junior Sierra Critchfield said. “It’s beneficial to our campus as a whole that we have a president who cares so much.”

“I’m hoping she’ll let me take the aux every once in awhile,” first-year music student Evan Parker said. “I’ve been working on some sick tunes and need an audience to try them out on.”

“I’m a little bit embarrassed to be driven around by the president, but riding the Drunk Bus in general is pretty embarrassing, so it’s whatever at this point,” first-year student Amanda Huggins said.

Sophomore Josh Paul said, “At least my mom isn’t driving me there.”

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