On-campus cults looking for new members for upcoming school year

Satire

College is a time for figuring yourself out, making friends, and fitting in with new groups of people. Here on campus, there are plenty of cults students should look into.

Greek Life

Greek life is probably the biggest, most powerful cult, because it’s split into so many mini cults. With way too many fraternities and sororities on campus, it’s almost impossible to go a day without seeing some mention of them, whether it’s an SCE approved flyer on a bulletin board or another Chipotle fundraiser.

The fun thing about Greek life is that there’s a lot of really exciting drama, whether it’s an internal issue of your own organization or between fraternities, just pull up a chair and get your popcorn because it’s gonna be good.

Greek life is the most cult-y of all the cults because they have actual recruitment events, and they don’t fight for you as much as you fight for them. They draw you in with their “tradition” and “brotherhood” and stuff, and obviously the clout is an added bonus.

But hey, it obviously works.

 

WXCU Radio

Don’t let them fool you with their funny Twitter account — they’re vicious.

Their karaoke events are just a ploy to get you to see how fun they are and their annual pumpkin smash is so they can gauge your strength.

WXCU is definitely the smartest of the on-campus cults because before going to immediate recruitment, they scope out their candidates through what seem like fun events on the outside.

They even let random students start shows, and then take the good ones and go from there to actually win awards and stuff.

WXCU is smart. Watch out.

 

Performing Arts to Serve Others (PATSO)

Similar to WXCU, PATSO fools you with their fun, energetic nature. They do cute things like Xtreme 24 hour theatre events and they put on cute shows, but we all know how theatre people are.

They have a distinct advantage over the other cults, though: they’re actors.

PATSO members pretend to be these fun, happy, exciting people, but deep down, they’re just looking for new recruits so they can do more fun and exciting things (and serve others, of course).

 

The Bexley Buzz/BEXLEY BUZZ

Although not necessarily a group of students, The Bexley Buzz is a notorious Facebook group full of the city’s residents doing things like complaining about their neighbors, looking for the nearest plug for Girl Scout Cookies, and asking for suggestions for their kids to get better at piano.

BEXLEY BUZZ is just the off-brand version of The Bexley Buzz. Unlike the original, BEXLEY BUZZ is open to the public and mostly just consists of a bunch of realtors selling homes.

Both, however, are full of the iconic Bexley Moms who would love to have you become a part of their online cults.

 

The Chimes

Of course we’re a cult, are you kidding? We spend so much time trying to get our darn paper out every week that we’re forced into being a weird family that all loves/hates each other in our bathroom-sized office.

Most of us aren’t in any other organizations on campus literally because we don’t have time, and our only friends are other Chimes members.

We’re not even a successful cult — we sit in our office watching Naruto or eating donuts hoping to look fun and get other people to come write for us, but it doesn’t work.

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