Student offended by campus-famous dog’s butt

Satire

More and more of Capital University is becoming aware of the semi-famous “window doggo” that lives on the first floor of Cotterman Hall; however, one disgruntled student has reason to believe the dog holds a grudge.

Senior Adam Warnock insists that Margarine, the dog in question, only shows him her butt whenever he walks by.

“It’s pretty bad,” Warnock said. “I don’t think there has been one time I have walked by where the dog is actually facing me. It’s dog butt all day, every day.”

Margarine is a Mastiff/Pomeranian mix that resides in the first floor window of Cotterman Hall. She has gained an oddly cultish social media following and plenty of clout after somehow making her own Twitter and Snapchat accounts.

How Margarine was able to do this without opposable thumbs is beyond science, but she has made quite a name for herself oversharing about commonalities that most dogs experience.

These social media posts are Warnock’s only visual aid as to what Margarine even looks like.

“Margarine’s profile picture and tweets are the only way I even know what she looks like,” Warnock said. “I have never actually seen her face in person.”

Warnock said that whether he is on assignment for his job with the IT department or heading to a class at the Cap Center, all he sees is back end.

Margarine taking a nap in front of her window, back end facing the window. 

“It makes absolutely no sense,” Warnock said. “I stare in people’s windows all the time and never once have I caught the stupid dog actually looking at me. I’ve seen a lot of other very interesting things, but not this dog everyone raves about. Not her face at least.”

Warnock believes Margarine does this on purpose. Whether or not this is truly the case, he seems personally offended.

Warnock says that his situation with Margarine makes an already mundane job even worse. He gives an example of the brainless work given to him by the IT office:

“Just last week, I had to go over to Kerns and completely reboot a computer. One of the adjuncts that teaches a 400-level ethics class said he was trying to side-load the attendance portal to run Doom, but it turns out he enabled a bunch of malware after clicking on a popup that offered him a free iPhone 4S.”

Warnock goes on to explain that while he told the adjunct and his class that they fixed the computer, they actually just bought the classroom a new one with the athletic department budget and destroyed the old one that was full of malware.

“It’s bad enough to be sent on pointless missions like this,” says Warnock, “but knowing I’m going to have dog butthole staring at me anytime I walk between Lohman and Cotterman.”

Warnock also feels singled out by Margarine’s tweets. The majority of her tweets cover the daily life of a pet on campus, but Warnock says that things got serious after he confronted Margarine about the butt-in-the-window issue.

“I tweeted at her and asked if she had a problem with me,” Warnock said. “And she responded by sending me my credit card info and home address in a direct message and said she would tweet it out if I did not take down my comments immediately.”

Whether or not Margarine actually has an issue with Warnock or he is just another paranoid college kid slaving away in the IT basement, the student body can count on the fact that one senior will be seeing a lot of the most famous dog on campus’ backside.

Margarine is on social media at DoggoWindow on Snapchat or on Twitter at the handle @i_cant_believe_its_not_butter.

 

Leave a Reply