Horoscopes, March 28-April 4

Satire
Aries free iconAries | March 21 to April 19

Someone unexpected (probably Tank Top Guy) is going to ask you on a date this week. Be mindful with your response.

Taurus free iconTaurus | April 20 to May 20

You’ll see President Paula Bethany this week.

 

Gemini free iconGemini | May 21 to June 20

WXCU Radio is going to play your favorite song from when you were 12, and it’ll probably be something by Boys Like Girls.

 

Cancer free iconCancer | June 21 to July 22

Make sure to set a reminder on your phone so you can get ready for the disappointment when all of the classes you need are full on scheduling day.

 

Leo free iconLeo | July 23 to Aug. 22

Brad, listen to me: Lisa from Delta Apple Pie is never going to love you back, so just let it go, man.

 

Virgo free icon

Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

You might be feeling like it’s time to change your major, but let’s be real here, even that won’t save you.

 

Balance free iconLibra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

Don’t let that girl in Cotterman pierce your ears, because it’ll probably get infected and everyone will laugh at you like in that episode of Full House where Stephanie let Kimmy pierce her ears.

 

Scorpio free iconScorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

We didn’t know what to write for this one, but you’ll probably be fine.

 

Sagittarius free iconSagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

One of your professors will cancel class for “personal reasons.”

 

Capricorn free iconCapricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

That nightmare you had about the Gremlins hiding in Battelle’s greenhouse might come true.

 

Aquarius free iconAquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

You’ll only have one close call with a car while crossing Main Street this week.

 

Pisces free iconPisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

You’ll experience sleep paralysis this week and see Cappy crying in the corner of your room.

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