*The following is a work of satire*
When incoming first-year Laura Stern and her parents perused the green and spacious courtyard of academic halls and students throwing Frisbees, she felt that something wasn’t quite right.
This was her first campus visit, and she had never been to a college before, but the thousands of people traversing from class to class–most of them donning Ohio State clothing–didn’t seem to fit the description of Capital.
“I was told it was this small, liberal arts college,” said Stern, 18. “But it took us fifteen minutes from the parking lot to actually meet up with our tour guide.”
Once she and her parents finally found their guide, Brian Hosier, they were put off by his indulgence in overcompensation. He was wearing a Capital hat, a Capital sweater and sweatpants, and purple sneakers; he called out to the family as “fellow crusaders.” According to Laura’s father, Arthur Stern, Brian then proceeded to rush them through the ever-expanding school grounds, hastily pointing out certain buildings, but clearly calling them by the wrong name.
“When he showed us Battelle Hall,” said Arthur Stern, “I swear it looked just like the Horseshoe [OSU’s football stadium]. I asked him about it, and he just said, ‘huh, I guess it kind of does. Weird.’ And he never spoke of it again.”
Though this has become an increasingly popular trend for Capital to draw in revenue through students, the administration doesn’t see anything wrong with their new strategy.
“If you don’t think about it too long, there really isn’t much of a difference between our two universities,” said Eric Langer, head of admissions. “Sure, they have an athletic dynasty, and, yeah, their university is placed in the heart of the city, and, okay, there might be a slight gap in how many students attend each college, but Josh Radnor is from Bexley. So, really, we’re about the same. Besides, most Capital students spend their weekends on OSU’s campus anyway, so we might as well get them introduced.”
While some are concerned about this practice, there are plans to expand the program to every campus in the nation. The idea is that future prospects just visit the nearest college and then pretend that Capital is like that, only a little better or a little worse depending on which university they visit.
“I always wanted to be a Buckeye,” said Laura Stern. “And if I go to Capital, then it’s pretty much the same thing, right?”
