On-campus cults looking for new members for upcoming school year
by College is a time for figuring yourself out, making friends, and fitting in with new groups of people. Here on campus, there are plenty of …
Category: Satire
Student admits he doesn’t know what the word “clout” means
by Sophomore political science major Dick Rastley announced Friday, March 19 that despite using the word “clout” in several essays, papers, conversations, and group chats over …
Tank Top Guy, Vape God become campus staples
by It’s no secret that we’ve had a cold winter this year. So cold, in fact, that it’s driven even the most resilient of individuals to …
Provost reveals magical head-rubbing quality
by Provost Jody Funion has been hiding something from the Capital community. Although his trademark bald head is well-known on campus, few students are aware of …
The Chimes is transitioning to fraternal organization
by To climb the social ladder here at Capital, the Chimes has decided to transition into a fraternal organization. From now on, the Chimes will be …
Horoscopes, March 28-April 4
Aries | March 21 to April 19 Someone unexpected (probably Tank Top Guy) is going to ask you on a date this week. Be mindful …