*The following is a work of satire*
Residents of Lohman can expect to sleep more soundly in the semesters to come as Capital has decided to set up a new first-year seminar (FYS) course teaching students how to properly microwave popcorn.
“Finally, our students will be equipped with the proper knowledge and no longer set off those dang fire alarms at 1:00 a.m.,” said area director Marcy Marcus.
FYS courses currently include Ambient Awareness, Discussion and Debate, Science and Pseudoscience, Inventing the West, and even a course focused on comedy.
“I am excited that this will be one of my first courses at Capital” said upcoming first-year student Jill Jenkins. “At first, I was thinking that maybe a class about something like money management would be more beneficial. However, after staying with some current [first-years] on campus, it became more and more obvious how necessary this course is.”
Money management was one of the several options up for discussion when the faculty sat down to decide on an addition to the FYS course options. Other suggestions included a seminar on taxes, cars repairs, the internship/job search process, and house hunting. However, “Microwaving Popcorn 101” wound up being the most popular choice.
“We have decided that offering this course would be the most beneficial for our students,” said associate provost Joni Journier. “We figure students can somehow find a way to acquire those other skills while they make their way through these next four years.”
This seminar will include seven weeks of lecture and discussion followed by eight weeks of lab work. Room 103 in Batelle Hall will be transformed into a lab just for this course. It will be equipped with 30 microwaves for the students to practice with.
Not only are students and faculty excited about this new seminar course, but members of the community have shown their support as well.
“When we first heard this news, we definitely celebrated,” said Kevin Kenny, a local firefighter. “We have rushed to Capital University over 200 times since August, only to find out they were false alarms caused by burnt microwave popcorn.”
This news has also caused jealousy among past students who never had the chance to gain such knowledge during their college career.
“My inability to properly microwave popcorn has caused a strain on several of my relationships,” said Capital alumna Steve Stevenson. “My roommate disowned me because I set off the smoke detector so many times, my girlfriend broke up with me, and my mother says I am the disgrace of the family. I wish I had a course like this when I went to Capital.”
“I still do not get it right until my third bag,” said Jackie Jackson, a graduate of the class of 2014. “I spend so much money on microwavable popcorn each month. These incoming students are so lucky!”
