*The following is a work of satire*
Following the announcement of Capital’s first female president, a brand-new women’s studies department was introduced to campus Monday.
As opposed to hiring outside faculty, the university appointed professor Michael Wiltbrunner as chair of the department.
Wiltbrunner is a part-time teacher of philosophy and has been voted ‘Professor I’d Most Like To Have a Beer With’ for fifteen years running.
When asked about his new position, Wiltbrunner remarked, “I think the addition of the new department is just killer. It’s about time that these students learn about feminism without political correctness and feelings watering down the discussion.”
Wiltbrunner said he does not plan to stop teaching ethics and philosophy, claiming that the workload of women’s studies classes will not bear too much extra burden.
When asked about the inaugural course listing, Wiltbrunner mentioned that the classes will feature only the best feminist writers, including Plato, Friedrich Nietzsche, and Camille Paglia. He also hinted that a body image class, FEM 121, may be offered next fall where students will be expected to complete weekly food challenges while keeping their weight under 121 pounds.
“Hell, if at sixty I can eat six pounds of peanut M&Ms and still look this good, you guys can too,” said Wiltbrunner.
He said classes will feature a unique grading scale with ‘Done,’ ‘Slam Dunk,’ and ‘Killer’ being the only manner of assessment. These qualifiers, he believes, will become popular with all professors and, ultimately, prevent sexist grading.
Explaining the university’s decision to introduce such a modern department, dean of the humanities, Bernard S. Funchy, had this to say: “Capital is a really unique place that offers courses that are presented in unorthodox ways. We think that Mr. Wiltbrunner will increase the number of male participants in the field … We really want to bring more men into the conversation on women’s issues.”
The department is expected to have the highest male to female ratio of any women’s studies department in the state.
“I’m really excited to talk about women with Wilt,” said junior business major, Alex Ball. “I’ve always wanted to talk about how women have wronged me in a classroom setting.”
Despite possible hostility from Ball, the new department is expected to enrich students’ education on the role of women in the twenty-first century.
To know more about feminism, the WNBA, the dominant sex, or stories of ex-girlfriends and their logical fallicies, students can contact professor Wiltbrunner or enroll in any of the one women’s studies class offered next fall.
Female professors interested in teaching a women’s studies class here and there are asked to slide a note under Wiltbrunner’s office door that describes the class’s objectives and merits by using symbolic logic.
“This stuff [feminism] ain’t easy,” said Wiltbrunner.
