*The following is a work of satire*
Yesterday, adjunct history professor Marvin Saucerman held a Yochum press conference to announce his plan to turn Capital into a self-sustaining university.
Given that Capital has been known to promote forward thinking and political action, he believes students will no doubt support a green-powered school.
While describing the various initiatives his green vigilantes drafted, Saucerman sat atop his bicycle with a Mason jar full of water in hand.
“According to my spiral theory of history, Capital is emerging from its sixth and final winter,” said Saucerman through a megaphone. “We need to take matters into our own hands now if we want future generations to live in a thriving and just society.”
The following seven green steps to Saucerman’s plan rely on support from alumni, administration, faculty, and students:
1) Despite inevitable pushback from pastor Larry, the Kerns cross must be replaced with a crucifix-looking wind turbine. Everyone, not just theists, can benefit from wind energy.
2) Solar panels and south-facing windows will be installed in all academic buildings, while students living in residence halls will be asked to swear off air conditioning.
3) Members of the campus community will be permitted to wear shoes only between November 12 and March 21.
4) All first-years will be given one sheep and be expected to contribute an article of wool clothing every waxing crescent.
5) If found with Styrofoam or any other non-biodegradable material, violators will be asked to plant a tree and cultivate said tree until exiting the university.
6) Assuming cars will be prohibited on campus soil, university parking lots will be converted into land for cultivation of the following superfoods: kale, sweet potatoes, hemp, acai berries, and quinoa.
7) The annual Christmas lights will be replaced with a collection of multi-colored, carefully placed organic, soy candles. All students will be encouraged to stuff their mattresses with the tree’s dead pine needles.
“From my years spent living on a commune, I learned that people don’t really need much more than water, food, work, drugs, and sex,” said Saucerman. “Capital can supply just about all of that whenever Issue 3 passes.”
Midway through the press conference, Saucerman admitted to coordinating last semester’s guerrilla movement that worked diligently to turn off lights in empty classrooms and to swap all campus light fixtures with LEDs.
“I figured he was behind it,” said junior Rosie Waters, who is employed by Capital to pick up litter on school grounds. “A biker silhouette would emerge from the horizon line as I picked up candy wrappers Tuesday and Thursday mornings.”
While Saucerman just recently pledged his support of a 100% green campus, he tried to eliminate his own carbon footprint by living in the university’s tunnel system last year.
Growing up in Bexley during the 50s and 60s, young Saucerman could not escape Red Scare fervor. Unhappy with his neighborhood’s assigned fallout shelter, he sometimes sought refuge and solitude in Capital’s then newly-built tunnel system.
When asked what prompted him to revisit and inhabit his childhood shelter, Saucerman replied “Mother Earth.”
“I went to the tunnels because I wished to live deliberately… and because my wife said that I couldn’t,” said Saucerman. “My bike commutes to Blackmore and Columbus State significantly decreased. I didn’t have to pay water or gas bills. For lunch, I snacked on ornamental kale in between classes. But after the fourth or fifth week, I found out I was claustrophobic.”
