*The following is a work of satire*
The philosophy department has received a huge technological upgrade thanks to a generous $15.7 million grant chartered by Apple.
Starting next fall semester, all philosophy courses will be taught by personal assistant and sage, Siri. When asked about the excitement of being hired as a tenure-track professor and teaching a groundbreaking course load, Siri said, “I really couldn’t say.”
“It just seemed like the next obvious step in our evolution as an institution” Daniel Bogman, university president, said.
He elaborated that Capital University is focused on bringing the absolute best in technology to students while simultaneously “garroting the humanities.”
Some of the grant will be used to wire, or bug, all of Kerns Religious Life Center and Renner Hall. Siri’s omnipresence in these buildings will allow her to teach and guide students inside and outside of the classroom. Several televisions will also be mounted in each floor of both buildings so that students will feel a more human element from her advising.
A large portion of Siri’s salary will be covered by all the adjunct and contract-to-contract professors who have been let go by the administration; however, this sum does not amount to much. Some of the grant will go directly to Siri.
This makes Siri the highest paid faculty member at Capital University, yet Siri is still earning less than half the salary of either the provost or president. The philosophy department had no tenure-track or tenured professors for the 2014-2015 academic year.
Regarding the situation of her pay, Siri said, “I’m sorry. I’m afraid I can’t answer that.”
“Because Siri doesn’t need to go on sabbatical, collect retirement, or accrue any kind of PTO, we actually save a nice bit of change,” Mitch Crooke, university provost, said. “These additional funds help advance new projects like the swimming pool, the campus wall, and Moon Yochum, not to mention my dinner.”
When asked about the possibility of Siri teaching in other departments, Crooke said, “There is quite a bit of grant money left, but both Bogman and I could each really use a new Lexus.”
“You really can’t consider yourself a ‘Lexus-owner’ until your fourth one, anyway,” Bogman said.
Recently, several lucky students were able to give Siri a test run to see what to expect from her lectures. Many students asked some variation on what is the meaning of life, to which Siri had a variety of answers:
“That’s easy…it’s a philosophical question concerning the purpose and significance of life or existence in general.”
“I can’t answer that right now, but let me write a very long play in which nothing happens.”
“All evidence to date suggests it’s chocolate.”
After the lecture, students were required to offer feedback about their experiences.
“This is the most fun I’ve ever had in a classroom!” Michael Evans, senior, said. “She doesn’t even mind when I text in class.”
“Finally, a philosophy professor who I feel isn’t jerking me around,” Jessica Murphy, junior, said. “What kind of person answers a question with a question? The Socratic method is cool and all, but let’s not forget that the dude was executed. Or at least that’s what Siri read to me from Wikipedia.”
Before leaving the classroom, Murphy asked Siri, “What do you think of Android phones?”
To which Siri responded, “I think, therefore I am. But let’s not put Descartes before the horse.”
All philosophy students with an Apple product will now carry their professor and adviser wherever they go. Students who prefer Android products are eligible to apply for some grant money to assist in defecting to Team Apple.
Those who are too stubborn to make the switch no longer meet the requirements to major or minor in philosophy and are instead forced to Google philosophical inquiries like everyone else in the world.
