*The following is a work of satire*
This afternoon, Dean of the Conservatory Michael Ledbetter declared that the music school would be making a clean break and becoming a separate and autonomous institution. The declaration is only the latest development in a series of confrontations and squabbles between the hordes of musicians on campus and the administration.
Last week, budget cuts forced the vibraphone department to downsize, much to the chagrin of smooth jazz quartets and Frank Zappa cover bands. Then, in January, there were the mass protests from the music technology students over the requirement that they, too, would have to take basic English courses, and possibly even a history class, though the outcome of that debate has yet to be revealed.
“I don’t even know why I need to read,” said Eric Costanza, junior, a flautist. “I may not know what a sentence is, but does anyone in the humanities really appreciate the subtlety in Brahms’s fourth symphony?”
While heads on both sides of the confrontation are scheming their next plans of attack, many students are left scared and confused about what this means for their futures. Those who are still part of Capital are unnerved by their inability to use the practice rooms in the basement for weeknight drinking, while conservatory students are incredibly alarmed over how much of the campus they actually did not have dominion over.
“Despite some obvious drawbacks,” said Ledbetter in his speech, “I think this is the best for all of us. Too long have we endured the obtuseness of amateur musicians plaguing our halls. Too long have we gone ignored as the largest reason that students attend this university. Too long have we gone unnoticed as the coolest kids in school. We have no ills with Capital. We only request that we are left to our own devices, such as the oboe and the mandocello.”
Capital President Daniel Bogman refused to comment on these developments, though it is rumored he smashed his acoustic guitar from high school.
