*The following is a work of satire*
After a recent fury of student uproar sparked by an eloquently-written Chimes article, the student government has spoken: Eggplant is now replacing Cappie as the official mascot.
“I have always loved eggplant,” said Jeremy Smith, senior, whose mom used to prepare it for him when he was growing up.
For Smith, and many other students concerned about Cappie’s draconian roots as a religious mongering sociopath, eggplant carries the positivity and wholesome values that conforms to Capital University’s mission statement.
“It is time our university catches up with the 21st century,” said Daniel Bogman, president of Capital University. “I say go, eggplant, go.”
The decision for an eggplant mascot was mostly brought on by its unique color system, which would save Capital’s marketing team millions on rebranding the school colors. That, and the student body is already covered in purple.
“I have spent over $400 on purple clothing,” said Brad Chadster, who was one of many worried about replacing an entire wardrobe when making a choice for the new mascot.
Of course, there were opponents to the mascot, who felt its phallic shape would be distracting to students.
“Cappie was representative of our religious upbringing,” said Mary Joseph, junior, who voted against the new mascot. “I fear eggplant may tempt our student body into the way of sin.”
Love it or hate it, eggplant is here to stay, as it now appears on every menu in the Student Union, from eggplant pizza to eggplant milkshakes.
“Wield the eggplant. Love the eggplant. Eat the eggplant,” said Bogman.
