*The following is a work of satire*
Yesterday, students reported seeing Jason Goma, a 2014 conservatory graduate, solemnly loitering by the fountains. Witnesses say he held a Bachelor of Arts diploma in one hand and an open container of unidentified liquid in the other.
When asked why he was wearing a suit and a for-sale sign around his neck, the wannabe musician, who smelled faintly of corned beef, said he needed to pay off his student loans and mounting water bills somehow.
“For now, I lay bricks and clean myself in public fountains and restrooms,” said Goma. “But, I was always told to dress for success. Part of me hoped that I might be hired as an adjunct, but then I remembered I could make more money by selling this diploma.”
Sadly, Goma is not alone.
A recent poll showed that 69 percent of liberal arts graduates cannot land jobs in their chosen fields, a predicament that has forced indebted post-grads to work menial jobs or perform intellectual slave labor.
“Why shouldn’t I pay off my education using my education?” said a despondent Goma. “At Capital, I learned what I did and didn’t need to know. Now, this slip of paper means nothing to me when I have $25,805 in student loan debt. I’m looking at my Cap Fam to help me out, because my real family won’t.”
For anyone interested in purchasing Goma’s music degree, valued at $127,944, visit the fountains around a normal morning shower time or direct message him on Facebook.
To find more unused and totally worthless bachelor degrees, visit Craigslist or local pawn shops and thrift stores.
“When shopping, bear in mind that ‘I graduated with Honors’ stickers do absolutely nothing for you,” said Maggie Sweeny, an avid diploma collector. “Also, biomedical engineering degrees tend to impress parents and potential spouses, but good luck finding those in the sea of communication degrees. I’d say anything Ohio State will buy you three years.”
