*The following is a work of satire.*
The Chimes sucks.
That is the opinion of at least one third of the participating students in a recent online poll conducted on The Chimes website.
The poll presented the simple question, “How do you feel about the Chimes?” Of the 15 students who voted, five selected the option, “The Chimes sucks!” Another five voted, “The Chimes is decent.” The final five voters selected, “Where am I?,” expressing confusion as to how they ended up on The Chimes website.
The fourth option (“The Chimes is great!”) was left vacant.
According to a Google Analytics report, this also marked a spike in online traffic, garnering an unprecedented 26 views for the university newspaper.
Students who participated were given the option to leave their full name and contact information. Although no students provided emails, three students did write in their complete names: Phil Lacio, Mike Rotch, and John Boehner.
Searching the directory for these three students has yielded no results.
“Yeah, The Chimes just sucks, guys,” Mark Xanthipe, sophomore, said.
In between drags of his vape, he explained that most students don’t read The Chimes because it sucks, an important distinction from reading The Chimes and then deciding that it sucks.
“Sometimes I pick up a copy just in case I run out of [toilet paper] or [tissue paper],” Xanthipe said. “The Chimes should cover something that students really care about, like how to correctly solicit sex from strangers on Yik Yak.”
When asked what his least favorite article was in this academic year’s volume of The Chimes, Xanthipe quietly said something about having to leave right away for a mandatory meeting regarding a third alcohol violation.
“I don’t know, The Chimes is like, all right, I guess,” Mary Ellen, junior, said.
She explained that she once tried to write an article to contribute about her previous roommate, who is an international student. On describing her writing process for the article, she meticulously rubbed her temples and said it was “like, really difficult.”
On her favorite article this year thus far, Ellen mentioned the article about the snake that got loose in the Capital Commons. It was clarified that that happened last year.
“Oh, well then, I really liked all the pieces about Chris Jamison. You guys covered that, right?” Ellen said.
No matter what your favorite article or least favorite article is, it is clear that most students think The Chimes sucks or is, at very best, decent. Tweet us at @TheChimesNews to let us know your favorite or least favorite article.
