by Stephen A. Aldrich
First, to the new students, welcome. We are happy to once again receive the best and brightest into our midst. And of course to our old hands, welcome back. Even though you are no longer the most talented class Capital has ever seen, I, at least, am still happy to be in your now somewhat-talented company. Capital, of course, is happy to have all of you because – and I am for the first time in my academic career writing seriously – Capital is a happy little capitalist.
Capital’s number one goal as an institution is not to provide you with an education. That’s what the faculty wants. Capital wants to stay in the collegiate business, and they’re very much hoping that you are liking the new toys they’ve provided to distract you from wanting what you should. Because in the buyer-seller transaction which Capital lives by, they are, for $40,000, trying desperately to sell you an experience, not an education – not even a degree, which in the long term is worth much less than what a university should be trying to provide in the first place.
Capital currently runs on the money-in degree-out model, making a bit extra on the side by bringing students in who don’t have a chance to get a return on their investment. I’m talking about the 30-50 students Capital brings in on the assumption that the students will drop out in the first month. Because let’s face it – not all of us are cut out for college. Even Capital knows this, which is why they take on more students than they can house in any given year. You may have heard that they over did it a bit this year, leaving a number of students without on-campus housing. You know, the water park kids.
Nichole Johnson, our director of media relations and communications as well as our official sender of emails, told the Huffington Post that the demand for housing is so high because “Our work to create a great campus living experience has paid off,” which may be true to an extent. It is possible that some students fell in love with the new building signs posted across campus or the remodeled Campus Center Lobby. Or the new SS-Lohman roof – I know I did, but there is an alternative.
It could be that Capital is facing an impressive deficit due to the low enrollment at the law school. It could be that, in order to balance the budget, Capital knowingly took on far too many undergraduates – even more than usual – and sacked numerous professors and staff (some, because of Capital’s shamelessness, via email) across the board to drop costs. And to pay for the much sexier remodeling scheme used to woo high school children. (Note: As of yet, professors have not made Robin Thicke-style videos featuring Kerns or the Con, thereby limiting their marketability in this regard.)
So I suppose that Johnson is right in saying that our “living experience” has improved, but quite frankly, Capital as a university has not. In fact, Capital’s intellectual climate, its potential for actual educational excellence, its brilliance is being neglected and in some cases even driven into decline by our administrative policies. This bothers me, and it bothers those who are actually trying to help students succeed and develop as an individual, and by that I mean the Capital faculty. It needs to bother you, too. More than bother, in fact. Infuriate. You are likely to go into debt so Capital can get a university-wide pedicure.
So, our new class of “leaders,” I want you to listen with attention. Capital, as an institution, cares very little about whether or not you become any smarter, any more worldly, any more likely to get a job other than the one you worked at the summer after high school. Capital wants your money.
To the institution, you are little more than walking dollar signs. You’re not going to find your “Cap Fam” in the administration, but with the faculty and with your peers. You’re not going to be on track for a rich and fulfilling life simply by being at Capital – you’re going to have to sweat and cry and push for it or die in the attempt, so this is what I’m challenging you to do: I want you to ASK the Capital administration some tough questions, like “why are you not using the 40 grand I’m paying you to increase my educational opportunities and making me more marketable by increasing my knowledge and skill set?” – the real difference between job applicants.
Secondly, I’d like you to THINK about why you would even have to ask such a question in the first place. Finally, you need to LEAD the student body to hold the top administrators accountable for taking your money and trying to offer a “living experience” rather than the education you deserve. Because firing competent teachers and staff and cutting classes in order to counteract glamorous and unnecessary spending is not the answer.
In the event that you are here simply for the “living experience,” I’ll have you know that (aside from the fact that you shouldn’t be in college) there’s a hotel with an indoor water park close by that you could live in for about ten grand a semester, which is much cheaper – and without homework.
Oh, and once again, welcome to Capital.
