There are no excuses for behaving less than human, unless, of course, you’re me. Who am I? Some call me the white bandit, others just scream “LOOK!” Both identifications are incorrect.
I am Albus, the rare and, might I say, exquisite, white squirrel on campus.
I observe human behavior around campus and assess how students and professors at Capital University measure up to what my colleagues observe in other areas of the city.
Unfortunately, but not surprisingly, Capital students’ behavior is sub-par. I have seen broken windows and hearts; unflattering attire and behavior; even copious amounts of litter (which, if appealing, I will nibble on until the paparazzi arrives).
Quite frankly, this campus needs my help. I wouldn’t offer my services if I didn’t have the experience.
Having helped a band of buckeye-loving rodents recover from their affinity for cheap tattoos and ridding another campus of intrusive bed bugs, I feel I am prepared to meet the challenges this campus presents.
I invite any reader to seek my advice. If I receive no requests, I will be forced to write unsolicited opinions about you.
For example, I would highly suggest the university refrain from any future use of “foam pits.”
Not only do students use them as opportunities to grope each other like their primate ancestors, the pits take up space in the fields I wish to roam in.
Tweet or message me at @AlbusSquirrel with your questions, concerns, and conundrums or visit me at facebook.com/albussquirrel.
If you wish, I won’t divulge your name, but you can expect answers to the best questions in The Chimes.
-Albus, the Inquisitive Squirrel
