I went to my first meaningful concert when I was about 13 years old. It was Third Eye Blind and I was accompanied by Mom and best friend at the time. As a sheltered eighth grader, I felt a bit uncomfortable listening to the lead singer Stephen Jenkins discuss his sex life using offensive expletives and hand gestures in my Mom’s presence. In front of us college students offered our group some Twizzlers. I was hungry and confused. Were these attractive frat boys hitting on my Mom, making an illegal pass at me, or were they simply spreading the love in the form of licorice strands?
Vivid memories will forever be tied to this fateful day for it marked a beginning of an era. Since then, I have been to my fair share of concerts. While I was never offered licorice again, I have been offered narcotics on numerous occasions; the hospitality and kindness of concertgoers is still prevalent. We’re only violent and rude if provoked, enumerated or are assholes by nature.
For what is there to be mad about when you’re listening to (what we hope is live) music seep out of fingers and throats. Musicians want to please us and we seek nothing other than a good time. I have been to metal concerts, country concerts, rock concerts and count ‘em, five Jimmy Buffett concerts and while every show is ultimately different, a similar environment and fundamental problems in concert etiquette exist.
I now present you with a mixture of rules that people blatantly disobey or observations that strike my fancy:
1. Attire: Not only was I out of my element at my first show, but I also guilty of breaking the number one concert rule: do not wear the t-shirt of the band who you’re going to see. Nothing says I’m-a-lame-attention-seeking-fan more than having the band’s logo plastered across your chest. What’s even creepier is when fans go out of their way try to dress the part. At a Mat Kearney concert I attended a while back, I stood behind a man who replicated Kearney’s most recent album cover (Young Love) by sporting the very same striped shirt and hat. The girl he was with was rocking out in four-inch heels with spikes that could puncture whale blubber. I was told that Hell is standing two plus hours in said high heels. The bottom line here is to go dressed as yourself and to dress comfortably.
2. Dancing: There are two types of people at any given concert: those who are preoccupied with their stance, conscious of the rhythm of each toe, and those who dance themselves clean with no sense of dignity or regard for their limbs. However your body reacts to the music is acceptable. Pushing and shoving is never cool but rib cages are solid, corporeal structures. You cannot commit too serious bodily harm by moshing, skanking, or jumping up and down so depending on the type of show you’re attending, be free my friends.
3. Chit chat: There’s a time and a place to talk about your libido. At the aforementioned Third Eye Blind concert, three college grads were discussing the very topic.
4. PDA: Don’t be that couple who prefers making out to rocking out. It’s gross enough having to view strangers’ tongues and the lead singer in the same frame, but having to come in psychical contact with a couple groping one another is unsettling.
5. Age gap: Going to see bands play at bars when you’re underage is the best but at the same thing unfavorable for mainly two reasons. For one, you’re forced to pay a cover charge; you are literally giving up roughly an hour’s wage to ensure that you will be refused alcohol. Secondly, the crowd dynamics are off. With my short stature and annoyingly youthful face, I’m usually ignored at these types of concerts. Nobody wants to associate themselves with juveniles, which I can totally understand. My time is coming.
6. Drinking and its derivatives: Don’t become belligerently drunk. Don’t pee your pants while in a crowd full of your equals−yes, I have witnessed this.
7. Documentation: The evolution of concert accessories saddens me; the lighters of yesteryear have been replaced with smartphones and tablets. What I never understood was why incessantly taking pictures or recording video would prove to be worth worthwhile. I’d like to know the statistic of how many people actually listen to or watch one of their 20 some poor quality recordings once they get home. In my opinion, if you’re paying to see an artist or a band, the ticket stub is proof enough. Allow yourself to be present in the moment without having to worry about whether or not these pictures are Instagram or Vine worthy.
8. People large and tall: There’s nothing worse than being just another ingredient of a man sandwich. Now I understand that someone does not have control over their elevation off the ground, but I find it most rude when Amazons shove their way to the front.
I realize that there exist a deprived people who have not yet gone to a single concert. They have not yet seen the phantasmagoria of lights and people, smelled the beer and weed potpourri or felt their insides vibrate uncontrollably. I feel for those who have been denying themselves the experience for what’s better than losing yourself to music in a sea of like-minded individuals?
