by Autumn Laws
Thanksgiving break is usually the first time students will be home since the start of college. This translates to being the first time students will be forced to communicate with immediate and extended family. As most have learned during the angst-ridden high school years, family members are notorious for asking the questions nobody wants to answer.
To help you out this Thanksgiving, here’s a list of questions that will undoubtedly be asked over the Turkey Table. Of course, even the most novice of parental unit avoiders know to never truthfully answer their parents, so the real answer has been provided along with the correct verbal response to warrant the least amount of conversation between student and family.
Question: “How are classes going?”
Reality: I haven’t been to classes since the first week of the semester. I have missed six exams, four group projects, two presentations, and more papers than I can count. My professors wouldn’t be able to recognize me if they saw me and consistently write me emails asking if I care about my education. Financial Aid has contacted me several times threatening to take away my scholarships if my GPA drops any lower.
Response: “Fine.”*
Question: “Have you met that special someone?”
Reality: I’ve had enough sexual partners to make my pediatrician cry. I have been in and out of twelve relationships since the start of the semester and can’t seem to get my ex from high school to stop casually texting me.
Response: “No.”
Question: “How’s the food?”
Reality: I stopped eating from the MDR after finding a hair in my glass of milk. My daily diet consists of Graeter’s, Cosi, Anthony’s Pizza, and Jeni’s Ice Cream. These meals have been paid with the credit card my parents loaded for me with $1,000 to be used during emergencies. I have used only twelve of my meal swipes, but have used all of my flex dollars on gummy bears and Laffy Taffy.
Response: Non-committal grunt.
Question: “Are you making friends?”
Reality: I can spend up to 24 consecutive hours pent up in my dorm room without having to interact with another human being. The few times I do mingle with people, I am too drunk to actually remember the names or faces of anyone I meet.
Response: “Yeah.”
Question: “Are you getting along with your roommate?”
Reality: I walked in on my roommate trying to summon a demon with a Pentagram drawn onto the floor with a highlighter. He/She hasn’t done his/her laundry since the beginning of the semester. He/She plays Cradle of Filth at 100 volume all day long. I try to interact with him/her as little as possible.
Response: “Uh-huh.”
Question: “Have you met that special someone?”
Reality: I’ve had enough sexual partners to make my pediatrician cry. I have been in and out of twelve relationships since the start of the semester and can’t seem to get my ex from high school to stop casually texting me.
Response: “No.”
alaws@capital.edu
