*The following is a work of satire*
An uproar has swept through the English and philosophy departments. Yesterday, a student formally cast aside not only first-wave, second-wave, and even third-wave feminism, but also the notion that the movement should be defined in terms of waves in the first place.
Sarah Foster, sophomore, wrote a manifesto that outlines her concerns about using patriarchal language to combat the patriarchy itself.
The 300-page document breaks down the origin of ocean imagery and its ties to Judeo-Christian and Victorian linguistics, asserting that any mention to the sea connotes themes such as domination, subjugation, and venture capitalism. Sources referred to throughout the decree include Emma Watson, Judith Butler’s Wikipedia page, the band Bikini Kill, and famed oceanographer Jacques Cousteau.
“I don’t really get it,” said Jacob Lumburg, senior. “But, it’s different, and it’s pretty interesting. That’s usually good enough for me.”
“It’s about time,” said Elise Abraham, junior. “I mean, seriously, how many waves can there even be. Like, if you really think about it, isn’t it always just the same wave anyway? There’s different levels in the tides, but it’s all still the same water.”
While the manifesto is still building up steam on campus, it has already gained traction elsewhere. The blog that it was originally posted on has already received over 4,000 hits, and a print edition is in talks with a local indie press. Though, there is no mention yet if Foster will be writing the introduction to the new edition of “The Second Sex.”
“I took this intro to philosophy class,” said Foster. “And it just inspired me—all the way. I got the idea and ran with it. Right now, we’re in a post-post-post-modern society, and, frankly, that isn’t cutting it anymore. The forecast of our cultural climate suggests we’re actually shifting toward a post-post-post-post world.”
When asked if we are conditioned to tacitly adhere to patriarchal language and what matriarchal language might look like, Foster had this to say:
“The native Hawaiian dialect, before they were colonized through imperialism, is quite interesting. They actually have more vowels than consonants, which I view as a possible solution since I suspect that consonants have been the problem all along. They really impede on our bodies and our minds. It’s downright oppressive.”
