*The following is a work of satire*
The Board of Trustees announced that, for the past four years, a new campus headquarters has been in the works.
Construction began in the summer of 2011 and is expected to be completed by early 2018.
“It’s really tough building on the moon,” Sara Bryce, head architect, said. “We have to keep everything strapped together so it doesn’t go floating away.”
The original Yochum Hall is being converted into subsidized housing for adjunct professors.
“It became increasingly apparent that our adjuncts needed our assistance so they could be at their best to teach students,” Mitch Crooke, university provost, said.
While the conversion process is readily underway, students can already go to Moon Yochum to meet with the Registrar’s Office or the Financial Aid Office.
“We are currently offering a shuttle at 5 a.m. for students interested in a session with one of our financial aid representatives,” Daniel Bogman, Capital’s president, said.
The shuttle takes roughly 36 hours to arrive at Moon Yochum. Once in the new office, the students are asked to take a number and have a seat.
“I have been waiting in this office for three hours,” said Jenny Hall, junior, who was still adjusting to the moon’s gravitational conditions. “I have already missed a whole day of classes to be here, but if I don’t get my financial aid refund, I will not be able to pay my electric bill on time.”
In an attempt to brighten the spirits of the student body, the newly-renovated waiting room plays “Bad Moon Rising” by Creedence Clearwater Revival on repeat.
“I love that song,” said Bogman.
President Bogman, sporting a tattoo of “MOON YOCHUM” on his bicep, looked out into the Sea of Tranquility and said, “And Jesus wept, for there are no more worlds to conquer.”
Moon Yochum will also serve as a designated location for all future meetings for the Board of Trustees.
“We have a private cook, stocked bar, and a cigar room full of Cubans,” said Bogman. (He later clarified that he meant Cuban cigars and not Cuban people.) “Luckily, the moon doesn’t have an embargo on Cuban products.”
