Luckily for Capital students and faculty, help from qualified police officers is an easy phone call away, 24 hours a day, any day of the week. Many calls prove to be vitally important in keeping the campus safe, secure, and sometimes, even amused. With the help of several online resources, the funniest police reports have been compiled.
New Winter Fashion Line
California is known as a progressive state, and they seem to be at the top of the fashion world. This is particularly evident in January of 2011 when several anonymous callers reported a shirtless man running around wearing a sombrero on his head and a scarf over his face. For an unknown reason, the man was attempting to jump fences in order to play tennis.
Maybe they didn’t look closely enough?
At the University of Texas, a staff member reported an unresponsive non-UT student sleeping next to a tree inside a planter box. The subject did 
not respond to verbal encouragements to wake up, and UT police soon discovered that the subject was actually paper-mache, made out of last week’s news and glue. That’s one way to reuse the school newspaper!
Microsoft runs the world
Humor must run in the family at the University of Texas. A few months ago, a faculty member reported a non-student in a dorm lobby. The visitor was in possession of a student’s ID and dorm key. Upon investigation, officers learned that the individual had visited the campus in order to attend a fraternity party with his friend. The friend, however, was nowhere to be found. Furthermore, the visitor was so inebriated that he repeatedly professed Bill Gates as the current president of the United States.
Do you even go here?
Things get stranger in Vermont, where a nude couple was reported sitting in a car outside of a university. They were not students of the university, and nobody inside nearby buildings knew who they were. Nobody really knew why they were nude either…
I’ll be back…
The Learning Center at another Midwestern University has been in the news recently. According to parents, a man across the street from the Center has been standing in his window, watching students for hours in an apparent act of voyeurism. Police investigated and identified the subject as a cardboard cut out of Arnold Schwarznegger.
What’s the dog’s name? Fire?
Callers phoned the police after hearing a woman repeatedly yell “Help!” from her porch. Upon arrival, the woman informed the police that “Help” is actually the name of her cat.
Write it down next time
Medina, OH: Police responded to a call reporting a woman screaming unintelligibly in her home. No charges were filed because the woman was yelling at her computer; she couldn’t remember the password to log on. Nothing says first world problems more than having the cops called on you for a fit of rage for not remembering your password. #FirstWorldProblems
Anyone hungry?
Many students on campus trek down to the nearby Wal*Mart in Whitehall to grab some cheap snacks or a new bottle of shampoo. Usually, individuals don’t crawl around in the dumpster. That wasn’t the case in Mountain Valley, California when police received a report that an infant was wrapped up in blankets in the trash. Police quickly responded to the scene. After a closer investigation, police identified that the ‘infant’ was actually a burrito. Yum.
