*The following is a work of satire*
This past February, Bethany Stahl was elected the 16th president of Capital University. Attempting to get to know her students better, Stahl emailed surveys seeking the thoughts, observations, and insights of the campus community.
However, Stahl did a lot more than just read personal stories. Her advisors felt the best way for her to understand Capital in the rawest way possible was by participating in one of the university’s most notorious traditions—the Thursday night Drunk Bus.
“I really wanted to immerse myself in what most interests the student body. I figured what better way to figure out what this generation stands for than by drinking with them? After all, I’ve always thought drunk words are sober thoughts,” said Stahl.
Stahl, who holds a doctorate in personality psychology, said she enjoyed being able to see a side of students that she normally would not be able to see during school hours.
“It was great to see the kids being so responsible. Many college students would just drink and drive, but not the young adults at Capital,” said Stahl. “I especially love the camaraderie that comes with getting on the bus. I saw one girl grab another by the ponytail just so that they could get on together. It’s great to see girls helping girls like that.”
The students really appreciate that Stahl is willing to do something as awful as attempting to get on the Drunk Bus.
“It’s just so cool to have a president that is chill enough to go out with you. It really made me feel like she cares about, like, me and my interests,” said sophomore photography major Jessica Whitmore.
First-year Bradley Calloway said that Stahl’s riding of the Drunk Bus was one of the “dopest” things he has ever seen.
“It was so dope seeing the president, like the president of the university, taking the Drunk Bus. Like, how cool is that? Like, no other president would do that. Not even, like, Urban Meyer is that cool,” said Calloway.
While students will not regularly be seeing Stahl push, shove, and kick her way onto the bus on Thursday nights, they can definitely expect her to take suggestions seriously.
For instance, students who are upset that Bexley Police keeps shutting down parties so early asked if Stahl could work something out so that parties can remain uninterrupted until at least midnight.
“I was shocked to hear how early and often parties get shut down here,” said Stahl. “It’s clearly very important to students that they have somewhere safe to drink. I’ll definitely talk with Bexley PD to see what we can do.”
For those who did not get a chance to speak with Stahl on the Drunk Bus last Thursday, don’t worry. Sustaining only minor bruises from a tussle with an intoxicated student, Stahl plans on making an appearance at Leipzig Haus this Saturday night.
