*The following is a work of satire*
During the summer break, Blackmore Library will be demolished to make way for a new parking lot.
In response to decades of complaints and threats of bad Yelp reviews, the administration has decided to prioritize the creation of a new area for students to park on campus. The announcement has been widely praised by professors and students alike.
“Students mainly use the Internet, sites like Wikipedia, to research their papers. I think it’s a smart move for Capital’s campus scene,” says Professor Griffick.
“I’m so excited for the new parking lot. No more using half a tank of gas circling the lots for a decent spot!” said sophomore Molly Perlman.
Equipment within the library, including the single color printer, will be auctioned off to cover the cost of the new parking lot. Getting rid of the often-malfunctioning printers is expected to help the university’s transition to a greener campus as well by cutting down on emissions and paper waste.
The elimination of the printers will also reduce the printing fee that is part of tuition costs every year, helping students afford the annual increase in the cost of parking passes.
“Most of my professors expect assignments to be submitted through iLearn. I haven’t printed off a paper in three years,” said senior Rick James.
In the spirit of keeping the memory of the library alive, the lot will be called Blackmore parking lot and passes for the lot will be printed with a B. The seal that is currently embedded outside the entrance of the library will be relocated to the brick area in front of Yochum Hall, helping campus tours for prospective students to remain efficient and concentrated.
“In the end, it was a really easy decision for us here at Res Life,” said Barbara Swanson, head of the committee that developed plans for the new lot. “The benefits far outweigh any possible negatives from the transition, and we are excited to see the effects this new development will have on campus.”
