Capital razes library to build new parking lot
*The following is a work of satire* During the summer break, Blackmore Library will be demolished to make way for a new parking lot. In …
Category: Satire
Microwaving Popcorn 101 set to be new addition to First Year Seminars
*The following is a work of satire* Residents of Lohman can expect to sleep more soundly in the semesters to come as Capital has decided …
Things I will miss about Capital
Agonizing over the toilet, wondering whether or not Parkhurst puts laxatives in the food Accumulating $109,000 in student loans Racist/homophobic/anti-woman/nihilistic tweets and yaks Taking PoliSci …
Students who don’t read The Chimes hate The Chimes
*The following is a work of satire.* The Chimes sucks. That is the opinion of at least one third of the participating students in a …
Conservatory secedes from University
*The following is a work of satire* This afternoon, Dean of the Conservatory Michael Ledbetter declared that the music school would be making a clean …
Student looking to sell $127,944 diploma for cheap
*The following is a work of satire* Yesterday, students reported seeing Jason Goma, a 2014 conservatory graduate, solemnly loitering by the fountains. Witnesses say he …