August 15, 2020

New species of bird found living on President Trump’s head

On Wednesday afternoon, the scientific world was rocked when a new species of bird was discovered in the unlikeliest of places: atop President Donald J. Trump’s head.

“We believe that we have discovered something very special today,” National Parks scientist Jenny Fromdablock explained at her Wednesday press conference. “This discovery is a triumph for the scientific community, and we look forward to studying this creature more closely.”

The bird was given the scientific name Twitterus Trumpis but will commonly be known as the Gold Feathered Mocking Hawk, so named for its tendency to scream at the top of its lungs while other birds are trying to have a conversation in order to get attention from potential mates.

Scientists have traced its lineage to the Washington D.C. area, where the Native American tribes in the area refer to the bird as “Roosts with Putin” in reference to the Putin tree which grows abundantly in the D.C. area and has enjoyed a recent jump in popularity in many states in the Midwest and south regions of the United States.

Physiologically, the bird has uniquely small claws, a very large beak, and yellow golden feathers. It is a gatherer that eats mostly nuts and berries, and it is believed that the president has been feeding and caring for this creature for some time outside of the public eye.

“The working theory is that it saw an opportunity to camouflage itself among all of the president’s gold objects and took the chance several years ago,” said ecologist Solja B. Oytellem of Farmers University. “This bird does have the power of flight, but seems to have a hard time getting started.”

President Trump took to Twitter early Thursday morning, tweeting, “Just watched the horrible and biased EPA of the so-called bird story on CNN. SUCH DISHONESTY,” and, “Why isn’t anyone asking Bernie Sanders and Hillary Clinton about the birds on their heads? Sad.”

When asked about these claims, press secretary and Emmy-Award-winning actress Melissa McCarthey said, “this is a long standing belief that the president has had, and the president asks that the house intelligence committee looks into this matter.”

Later in the press conference, McCarthey confirmed the budget cut to the EPA despite the major discovery saying, “this isn’t the type of work our tax payers should fund.”

Despite recent polling suggesting that the majority of Americans would like an independent investigation of the Gold Feathered Mocking Hawk, Congress has effectively blocked any attempt to investigate the bird further. So for now, it seems it will remain undisturbed on top of the President’s head.

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