BREAKING: Zombie outbreak reported on campus

Satire

The following is a work of fiction based on the zombie outbreak professional development event at Capital University.

BREAKING: Last night, Wednesday, Sept. 27, a zombie outbreak began in Battelle Hall that has since infected a large portion of campus and is continuing to spread. As of now, there is no known cause for the outbreak.

Since the outbreak, Yochum Hall has fallen and the infection has been placed on the desk of President Beth Paul. Zombies have also attacked Blackmore Library, Kerns Religious Life Center, and the MDR.

Additionally, zombies have taken Blackmore the Cat, the mascot for the Blackmore Library.

Losses have been significant, but Capital’s Public Safety, as well as the Bexley Police Department and the Federal Bureau of Investigation are working on identifying the cause and containing the virus.

Sergent Kunkle with Capital’s Campus Public Safety advises that students run, hide, and, as a very last resort, fight.

“Have an escape route and plan in mind […] or hide in an area out of zombie view,” Kunkle said.

Additionally, be aware of all of the nearest exits in buildings.

Choni Lin, member of the crisis management team handling the outbreak, also advises that the safest places are in offices or rooms with locked doors.

Follow the Chimes on social media for more updates.

 

STORY UPDATED: 9/28/17, 2:03 p.m.

The zombies have started a movement called Zombie Lives Matter. Sally Stamper, former religion professor and current zombie, is one of many leading the charge to inform campus that zombies are “not dead, only infected,” she said. Though, she points out, they may soon die if they are not cured or fed.

“They offered me cake . . . And then I couldn’t even taste the cake, ‘cause I was a zombie,” Jenna Jawoski, zombie, said.

Students and faculty alike are being affected by this epidemic.

“I was going for a parking space, because parking spaces are so limited, and another car was going in at the same time and we got into a scuffle,” Jon Osbeck, zombie, said. “I woke up this morning craving brains.”

 

STORY UPDATED: 9/28/18, 2:36 p.m.

A cure has been discovered and is currently being distributed in lemonade to the zombies affected by the virus.

The cure helps to repair a damaged enzyme caused by the virus, leading the zombies to a protein deficiency and, therefore, a hunger for brains. The enzyme therapy is working to subdue the zombie’s aggressive symptoms and will slowly return them to normal.

Additionally, the crisis management team has addressed the Zombie Lives Matter movement by recognizing their efforts as valid and stating that they are, indeed, equal to those who were not affected by the virus. Capital University hopes the zombies can lead a happy and healthy life during their recovery.

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