Surviving the holidays: Christmas clapbacks

Opinion

Picture this: it’s Christmas Eve, and you’re sitting at a long, oval table in your grandma’s dining room. You’re enjoying the Christmas ham that your uncle made. Candles are lit, wine is being drunk and cookies are being eaten. But you’re also throwing distressed looks at your siblings every time something uncomfortable happens. And oh boy, it happens.

Christmas is supposed to be a time of joy, happiness and warmth, but family members, especially those outside of your immediate family, can make things awkward sometimes. And with Christmas coming up soon, it’s time to start preparing your clapbacks.

For those unfamiliar, holiday clapbacks exist for the purpose of throwing an insult right back at someone, with a whole lot of humor and even a touch of class. And if you do it right, it’s super smooth and cool.

Extended family is the best to try this on. They usually ask the most questions, seeing as they don’t know you extremely well, and since you won’t see them again for awhile, the repercussions aren’t lasting.

So when your nosy relatives start to grill you, you can throw some shade right back.

Example: “How are you doing in school?” can be answered with something along the lines of, “how are you doing in your third marriage?” or “how are you and your boyfriends?”

When asked what your plans are for the future, you fire back with comments like, “Taking after you.” That’s my personal favorite — with the right tone, it can slice through someone’s ego like butter without anymore elaboration.

And then there are the relationship questions. Your family starts to ask if you’re dating someone, where they are, etc. “What’s your boyfriend’s name,” asks your aunt. This is when you respond with the name of your aunt’s ex (or current) boyfriend/husband’s name (unless that guy is your uncle, then it gets kinda awkward).

There’s always the classic, “I didn’t drink when I was your age” battled with, “you can’t drink while pregnant,” or the, “do you really need another piece of pie?” with, “do you really need another husband?”

The possibilities for Christmas clapbacks are endless — each family is different, and with that comes different sassy responses. Think about your family and their own individual personalities and flaws, and make the most out of it. Christmas only comes once a year, after all.

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