photo by Trey McDeane
Immediately following bad sex–or good sex, for that matter–most people feel inclined to share. Just as it is in our nature to fornicate, humans revel in hearing about “hot beef injections” or “horizontal hulas” gone wrong. While the worst sex stories involve unexpected walk-ins, tastes, or bowel-movements, the eight sex horror stories below, submitted anonymously by students, still manage to kill any urges. And with each coming sexual failure, a new euphemism is born.
1.“Every sex story I have is a horror story.” – Anonymous (Take old one-eye to the optometrist)
2.“I had to hear my R.A. in Schaaf have sex before his staff meetings. He would say, “I fuck before I get fucked.” – Anonymous (Mattress dance)
3.“A guy approached me on OKCupid, he came over, we talked for a while, and then we started making out. I could tell when we were kissing that he seemed really tense…his mouth felt like cardboard. Once we undressed in my bedroom, an abnormal amount of sweat accumulated on his forehead and upper chest. Not just a drop here and there; this guy was sweating buckets. A nearly unnatural amount of sweat was sprouting out of every one of his pores and onto me. It’s hard to feign enjoyment when a partner’s perspiration drips from his upper lip and into your eye. After everything was said and done, not only was my body covered in his sweat, but my burgundy comforter now had a [blood red body-shaped] stain. Once he left, I quickly showered and threw my sheets into the washer.”– Anonymous (Pressure wash the quiver bone)
4.“My roommate and I used to DJ our other roommate and her boyfriend having shower sex. We’d have the speakers face the shower and play really awkward songs like “Let’s Get It On.” – Anonymous (Vulcanize the whoopee stick)
5.“I texted my roommate last year, “give us 30 minutes,” and he said, “No, I can’t do that.” So, while he was on the computer, we fooled around and just went at it within five feet of him. He didn’t know until the next day.” – Anonymous (Play hide the German sausage)
6.“I was well aware that my roommate and his visiting girlfriend were having…urges. Typically, urges are acted upon in solitude or perhaps while I sleep—I’d have no problem with that. The room was dark, save for the glow of my laptop, and as I sat and worked, I heard rustling. I turned to see two silhouettes undulating by the light of my screen. Without need for further explanation, I peaced the fuck out.” – Anonymous (The allegory of the beast with two backs)
7.“Typically, I’m not a sexually promiscuous person, but I had just gotten out of a relationship. So, when confronted with someone that I had just met willing to take me home from a party, I left. We got to my place, started making out, and she told me she had a confession. She took off her dress and was wearing a corset. ‘I just had liposuction and gastro-bypass and lost 250 pounds, but I haven’t had the surgery to remove the excess skin yet.’ She took off her corset, and her leftover skin lurched toward the ground. I wrapped a blanket around her, kissed her tenderly on the lips, told her she was beautiful, and confessed that I drank too much whiskey to make love.” – Anonymous (Part the pink sea)
8.”It was the first time I ever went down on a girl. We got into a 69 thing, but as as soon as I touched it, I was like ‘Ew, no, gross.’ After we finished, I even said, ‘I don’t know how you do that.'” – Anonymous (Touching yippee bog)
