*The following is a work of satire*
The Fire Department of Bexley, Ohio has issued a letter of gratitude to Capital University, particularly to the residents of Lohman Hall. The letter comes after years of fire drills instigated for the fire department by Capital students residing in the freshman dormitory infamous for its incessant fire alarms.
The Chimes received a copy of the letter to be published as follows.
Capital University,
We, the Fire Department of Bexley, Ohio would like to honor your commitment to ensuring the responsibility and dedication of our firefighters and first-responder staff. Each week we look forward to and wait in anticipation for the inevitable ringing of the fire alarms in Lohman Hall. It is through the efforts of your students residing in Lohman Hall that we are held accountable in our time-efficiency of reaching Capital’s campus in response to the fire alarms.
Since we began recording our official times of response and arrival, our efficiency has risen by 15%. Our first-responder staff and firefighters have decreased their fire pole drop by .5 seconds to earn the top spot in the Greater Columbus area. If not for the weekly setting off of the alarms in Lohman, we may not be as confident in our ability to respond quickly to emergencies on Capital University’s campus.
Therefore, in gratitude of your efforts in setting off the fire alarms within Lohman Hall to bring us back, we would like to cordially invite you to a night of Movies and Burnt Popcorn to be held in Drexel Theatre. The event will be free of charge for Capital students, and Lohman residents will receive a complimentary bag of popcorn to take home in addition to the burnt popcorn provided at the theatre. The movie to be shown will be I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry and Ladder 49. A raffle will be held for Capital students with the grand prize being a 2017 Firefighter Calendar featuring Bexley’s finest. Movies and Burnt Popcorn will begin at 7:00 p.m. on Friday, April 1.
We look forward to seeing you at the event. More information will be provided when we arrive sometime next week when the Lohman alarms are set off again.
With Gratitude,
The Bexley Fire Department
The excitement of the Movies and Burnt Popcorn event has already spread across campus like a wildfire. One student particularly ready for the event and all its rewards is freshman Chemistry major Blaise Itup.
“I can’t wait to mash on some burnt popcorn and watch these firefighter movies,” Itup said. “If I can meet some of Bexley’s firefighters it would be a dream come true.”
One student is especially proud of her contributions to ensuring the Bexley Fire Department is on top of their game.
“I burn popcorn at least twice a week,” Lohman resident Pyro Maniac said. “The alarms don’t always go off when I burn the popcorn so I’ve been trying to step up my game with different popcorn brands.”
Capital University’s Office of Residential Life is sponsoring the event.
