*The following is a work of satire*
In an effort to provide balance, the university plans to introduce a new white cultural studies department, with first classes scheduled to begin with the upcoming fall semester.
“We’ve seen a lot of progress and inclusion of different groups at universities across the country,” said William Brown, head of the curriculum committee. “But there is one group that has been consistently excluded: white people. And I think it’s about time we set things right.”
The new department will feature a wide range of courses to ensure that interested students receive a comprehensive education in white culture, Brown said.
Courses will include ancient white cultures, which will feature Roman and Greek civilizations; white culture and the new world, which will focus on the age of exploration and colonization; and modern white culture, which will discuss the important influences of whites in today’s society.
“There will definitely be something for everyone. For non-majors, many of the courses will make great electives,” said James Martin, assistant professor of history. “I will be teaching a few of the courses myself, and I know I will be encouraging many of our history majors to pick up a white cultures minor.”
While many of the courses will be taught by current university faculty, some of the upper-level courses will require bringing in a few new hires.
“The fact is that we just don’t have enough faculty who are qualified to handle such an important subject,” Brown said. “We will be conducting a nationwide search with the necessary parameters to ensure that the right candidates apply.”
The search is set to begin next month, with at least one hire expected before the end of the fall semester.
Several students have already expressed interest in the new department.
“I’m thinking about switching my major,” said Alex Becket, a first-year political science major. “Finally, there will be a discipline that will allow me to feel comfortable with my identity as a white man, and not feel constantly persecuted by all the diversity.”
Brown said that the new major will only consist of about 30 credit hours, making it a great option for those who want to double major.
“[White cultural studies] will make a perfect addition to my current degree plan,” said Sarah Mills, a psychology, sociology and criminology triple-major. “I may need to go for a fifth year, but it’d be worth it to get a well rounded education and truly understand every level of our society.”
Interested students can view the new department’s current course bulletin on WebAdvisor. A few of the courses will serve as cognates for UC 150, global awareness, and UC 200, cultural pluralism in American society.
“This is really a terrific opportunity for Capital to pave the way in this new field,” Brown said. “And I think that in conjunction with the hiring of our first female president, Capital will become a hallmark of diversity and inclusion, that the country, and even the world, can aspire to.”
