September 29, 2022

Student stress prompts wellness excursions to OSU campus

*The following is a work of satire*

The stressful and hectic nature of Bexley has prompted the Center for Wellness Health (CWH) to direct students and faculty to The Ohio State University’s (OSU) campus for a peaceful break.

Vans to OSU will pick up students from 7 a.m. to 7:30 a.m. on the first and fourth Wednesdays of every semester.

“We realize that life here [at Capital] can be a bit much for students to handle,” said Tiresias Houndstooth, founder of CWH. “We have been encouraging students to explore the less chaotic parts of Columbus to cool-down from a harsh semester.”

Houndstooth said that this initiative began as a method to relieve increasing student stress.

“There has been a major influx of students seeking anxiety relief from the Center for Wellness Health lately,” Houndstooth said. “It only makes sense that we try to give students a break from the push and pull of Capital lifestyle.”

Photo illustration by Mario Traina

The idea of an OSU stress relief outing was proposed to CWH by senior vocal performance and nursing double major Silica Adams.

“Students here just do so much,” Adams said. “I mean, yeah, just doing recital prep and practicals at the same time isn’t so bad, but trying to juggle those with a social life just isn’t reasonable.”

Adams said that she came up with the idea after seeing a group of OSU students who appeared to be having a good time. She said that it dawned on her that the students’ jubilation came from their stress-free life in the north side of Columbus.

“Let’s face it: Bexley is a really busy town. We’re constantly dealing with construction on Main Street and the different sandwich shops that keep opening in the area,” Adams said. “It can be hard to keep up with all that. I think OSU campus has much more of the quiet lifestyle that us students crave.”

A Bexley resident, who wishes to remain anonymous, said that student exhaustion could be related to recent changes to Capital campus.

“Ever since you kids got those lights put in to your [EXPLETIVE] stadium, it’s been impossible to get any sleep here,” said resident. “Not to mention, all the things you’re knocking down and building on campus. Can’t get any [EXPLETIVE] shut-eye.”

Houndstooth said that he hopes to see the van routes decongest some of the traffic he sees in the CWH.

“I’ve seen too many students come in for stress and wanting a Xanax prescription,” said Houndstooth. “I just know it’s from students needing a moment away from Bexley…I hope they can feel that peace of mind when visiting OSU campus.”

Representatives from OSU were contacted but did not comment.

For safety reasons, students traveling to OSU by van will be required to download a second Guardian app designed for use on OSU campus. Rides will not be provided back to Capital campus. Call (614) 266-76*5 and ask for Tiresias for more information on transportation to OSU campus.

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