*The following is a work of satire*
Earlier in March, several complaints were filed by students who found unwanted items in their food from the Main Dining Room (MDR). Objects ranged from undercooked meat to severed fingers to stem cells to 9 mm. shell casings to food that the student entering the complaint simply did not want, but one case stood out in particular.
Shortly before the Ohio primary election, Betty Tobias, sophomore, found an object that she reported as “a strange pamphlet showing a man who looked like Yoda shaking the hands of bland white people.”
Upon further examination, it was revealed that Tobias had found literature for the John Kasich campaign in her food.
The pamphlet showed Kasich making speeches to stock photos of crowds, hugging the elderly, and shaking the hands of veterans, among other deplorable behaviors.
The pamphlet also included quotes telling a shocked Tobias about how John Kasich has more experience than other leading candidates such as Donald Trump, Bernie Sanders, and Ted Cruz.
This filth was immediately removed from her food, and campus food provider Aramark was notified immediately. Aramark issued an official apology within a matter of days, but Tobias expected more for her troubles.
“The formal apology was nice, but very little can reverse the effect of moderately conservative campaign literature on my fragile college mind or restore my appetite for MDR food,” Tobias said.
After this remark, Tobias added that a stack of gift cards to Starbucks and Chipotle would be a step in the right direction.
Tobias was also quick to tell reporters about her own take on the political situation, despite being asked to avoid the subject by interviewers.
“I feel attacked,” Tobias remarked. “I think it is specifically because of the fact that it was Kasich campaign material.”
This response was recorded only after it was explained to her who John Kasich was and what he stood for.
“Had it been Bernie Sanders literature, I wouldn’t have felt as accosted,” Tobias said. “He could have paid for the rest of my college, and he’s such a cute old man. Plus, I’ve defended him on Tumblr and Instagram numerous times, so I feel like I’ve done my part.”
In other news, Aramark has taken broader steps to make sure that nothing that is not supposed to be eaten ends up in students’ food. This initiative has led to stricter scrutiny of food before it is cooked and before it is served.
These initiative has also indirectly led to the permanent cancellation of the veggie burger from all menus and are projected to cause even longer wait times at One Main Café.
In addition to Aramark posting stricter regulations on foodstuff, they advise students to be on the lookout for foreign objects in their food. In the same statement, Aramark staff stated that posting about finding something in your food on social media has little to no effect on the larger scheme of things.
“Executives and other higher-ups could care less about what you post,” said Aramark bureaucrat Stan Gein. “Your opinion doesn’t really matter to a corporation that provides food for colleges … Besides, you throw away most of our food anyways.”
If anyone previously doubted the power of complaining and activism from behind a screen, this incident goes to show that quite the opposite is true.
