July 2, 2020

A new Space Race? Trump responds to North Korean advances

Earlier in March, the government of North Korea announced that they had successfully landed a man on the sun.

Korean space traveler Kim Kim-Kim was launched into space aboard the spaceship Kim IV on March 14, during a ceremony that all North Koreans were required to attend upon threat of death. Though it is probable that Kim-Kim landed somewhere in mainland China and promptly died without viable landing protocol, the official press release from the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea insists that he landed on the sun and has been communicating with the government.

As usual, United States President Donald Trump vows revenge, claiming this advance by North Korea is the start of another “Space Race,” a reference to the competition between the United States and the Soviet Union during the Cold War.

This time, however, Trump vows that Russia will be an ally, not an adversary. Trump is seeking the assistance of Russian Premier Vladimir Putin, which is a surprise to no one.

At the request of both the American and Russian people in charge, a Russian man will be chosen to fly the first mission to the sun. Cosmonaut and pilot Vlad Tipi III will be the man on the mission, set to launch in 2019.

When asked about the recent space endeavor by the North Koreans, President Trump’s reply was terse and simple.

“I don’t see why we don’t just cut off the entire Korean peninsula and let it sink,” he said. “South Korea would sink too, but it’s a small price to pay. Sacrifices must be made. You know it, I know it, everyone knows it.”

When Putin was asked about the mission, he responded. However, we do not know what he said because he spoke in Russian.

A liberal Russian newspaper criticized his actions, and the editor of this paper was recently murdered. We at the Funion suspect that Putin ordered the killing, as he has a habit of doing, but we were honestly too afraid to investigate.

President Trump, NASA, and the Pentagon are all hard at work making preparations to put a foreign soldier on the surface of the sun.

“We can’t let an enslaved people like the North Koreans beat us at anything. Disgusting,” President Trump remarked.

When asked if he knew anything about the science of getting a man safely to the sun, Trump’s reply was fascinating.

“We launch [Captain Tipi] at night,” he said. “The sun is off. He won’t burn up. Simple as that. Bing bing bing bong.”

Secretary of Education Betsy DeVos was also interviewed on the topic. Aside being the architect of the Every Child Left Behind education program, she also knows nothing about space travel.

She simply replied to the interview questions with “arstohusarlugbjhabsrgk.” When asked to expand on this, DeVos answered with “rsaohughrnsakj,” further proving she is illiterate and unfit for office.

The mission to the sun, which will open an exciting and frankly ridiculous new chapter in space exploration, is scheduled for 2019. President Trump vows to the American people (as well as the Russian populace) that we will win the space race “in order to keep America great.”

Sure, Donald. Whatever you say.

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