April 5, 2020

Tank Top Guy, Vape God become campus staples

It’s no secret that we’ve had a cold winter this year. So cold, in fact, that it’s driven even the most resilient of individuals to bundle up.

That’s right folks: Tank Top Guy was spotted wearing a light jacket liner last week when temperatures were in the low 20s. No one can recall him wearing one when it was negative 20 degrees with windchill that one Wednesday before spring break, so we aren’t sure what has changed, but President Paula Bethany is just happy to see him covering up.

“I was really starting to get worried about him,” University President Paula Bethany said. “It was almost to the point that I was going to make him the new mascot, just so that he would have something warm to wear walking around campus.”

Some aren’t as worried about him.

When Tank Top Guy became a well-known icon on campus, students involved in Capital’s unofficial Global Warming Awareness (GWA) club began applauding his actions to bring attention to the issue facing our planet.

“By wearing only a tank top and shorts in cold weather, he’s not only getting tremendous clout, but he’s also bringing attention to the critical problem that is global warming,” GWA President Tori Lopez said. “He is proof that the steady increase in temperature over the years has become noticeable, and that we need to take action. It’s a brilliant political statement.”

Tank Top Guy’s tank top isn’t the only mysterious man on campus: there’s also Vape God.

It’s unknown who granted him this legendary status, but he wears it well. Literally. If you haven’t walked past him, you have not experienced the nostril-pleasuring cloud that surrounds him as he puffs on his vape pen.

“I always walk past him on my way back from the Mezz,” Katie Quail, sophomore, said. “I  try to walk a little closer to him when we pass so that the scent from his vape sticks to my sweaty clothes. It makes my laundry smell better until I can wash it.”

It’s rumoured that Vape God has over 300 pens stashed around campus so that if the one he carries on his person runs out of battery, no matter where he is, he can simply pick up another, and be on his way.

The unofficial GWA club has refused comment on the effects Vape God’s vape clouds have on the environment.

These two men have become staples of community on campus. Everyone knows and loves them, and students all across campus look forward to their energy for many semesters to come.

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