June 3, 2020

Satire: Cappy to become new university president

It will soon be the start of a new era for Capital University.

In a unanimous vote, the presidential search committee and the board of trustees have announced two major decisions in the form of one. 

Starting in June, the university will have a new mascot and a new president. 

Cappy will become the 17th president of the university. The university’s former mascot will also have a name change to Cappy the President.

Despite the controversy around Cappy, he came out on top and is now our new president #capfam.

The university’s new mascot will be Capster the Cricket, played by none other than provost Jody Funion. He will now dedicate all of his time training to pump up the crowds at the university’s next sporting event.

“I am really excited to get started,” Funion said. “Being chained to a desk in Yochum all day is really exhausting, so I am happy to get out and get loud.”

Funion’s new role will be Capster the Cricket, our new mascot.

“Everyone loves [Funion],” Emilie Deetz, sophomore English literature major, said. “I’ve heard that rubbing his head grants good luck, so hopefully he can become the lucky charm for our sports teams.”

Cappy will take over Yochum Hall and will hang up his helmet and armor for a tie and sport coat. When asked what he wants to change about the university, Cappy offered his vision for a better Capital.

“First and foremost, we are going to add some restaurants to the Cap Bucks system,” Cappy said.

When asked which restaurants he had in mind, Cappy was reluctant to reveal names but offered one for now.

“Ideally, we would start with The Zig and would work our way down Livingston,” he said.

Other changes include later starts to class times and allowing students to access meal swipes at any time of the day.

The new partnership with Leipzig Haus comes at the same time that the famous campus drinking hole announced a new Capital-themed drink. For details on this powerful purple beverage, check out our story dedicated to it here.

This new era for the university is also coming with new merchandise from the campus bookstore. Starting in June, students can purchase Jody-themed items such as a life-size bobblehead or giant Jody-inspired headgear to wear at sporting events. There will also be Leipzig Haus sweatshirts and coolers for students to represent their favorite bar.

  • Zach Ferenchak is a current Senior studying Emerging Media with an emphasis in PR. Along with serving as managing editor for The Chimes, Zach is heavily involved with the Public Relations Student Society of America, where he serves as the organization's incoming National Vice President of Brand Engagement. He is an avid communicator who hopes to one day elevate brands and causes through effective storytelling.

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