UPDATE: Since the initial writing of this story, the situation has changed. The article has been updated with more information since the removal of students from campus due to the preventative measures taken against spreading COVID-19.
A dormitory is a mixed bag of cats when it comes to student experiences on campus. Some halls are clean and orderly, while others are messy and of a mustier odor.
Typically, male residence halls fall under the latter. As of recent, that’s not been the case.
This past fall semester brought along an entire new class of first-years ready to take on the world. They’ve come to campus to grow and learn, in order to better themselves.
This class, however, seems to have a different goal. The male residence halls smell nicer this year. They’re quieter and are altogether cleaner than years before.
An anonymous source, Pete Bennet, has spoken out about the strange actions being witnessed in Lohman Complex. Bennet, a second-year and Resident Assistant in Lohman has noticed a large difference in this class compared to his own.
“Yeah, when I was a first year, the guys in my hall were pretty loud, didn’t think much of others,” Bennet said. “I once heard someone compare my hall to a pile of unwashed jock-straps. Now, it smells like lavender. I don’t even know what lavender is, but it smells good.”
Interactions have changed as well. Many have reported seeing the male residents complimenting female residents on their door decorations and asking where on Pinterest they learned to make them. Others have spotted them purchasing snacks and creating “care packages” for female residents.
We reached out to some of the female residents, but they all declined to answer. When their RA’s were asked to comment, they each mentioned some sort of app the female residents had been talking about recently.
“They were talking about some app. ‘SimpService’ I believe,” RA Quinn Thoroughby said, “Yeah, I managed to get a look at it one time. It kind of looked like Tinder, but with less d*ck pics.”
After some research we discovered this SimpService. According to the app’s website, “SimpService connects you with single Simps near you!” Simp, for those unfamiliar, is loosely defined as slang for a man who foolishly overvalues a woman and puts her on a pedestal.
Provost Jody Funion has taken notice of the strange behaviors elsewhere on campus.
“I’m well aware of it,” Funion said. “Our special on-campus task force is doing everything in their power to handle the situation. Capital Asset Protection (CAP) is going to make sure this doesn’t get in the way of students’ educations. We wouldn’t want this malarkey to cause students to lose focus and drop out. Think of all the money … I-uh, I mean all of the gifted students with potential and talent we would lose.”
CAP offered no comments on the current situation. Their only actual member told us we were interrupting his lunch.
UPDATE: The situation has further updated. With students moving off-campus, the Simp game and playing field have both changed. Male residents who have since moved away have been complaining of being unable to visit their “goddesses.”
“I can’t believe it, man,” Conner Tannerson, first-year, said. “She’s not responding to any of my messages, Facetimes, Hangout session invites, Skype calls, Twitter DMs, Insta DMs, Facebook IMs, Outlook messages, or any of my posts in r/whiteknighting.”
“Yeah, she said we need some ‘social distance’ and that she has ‘immunocompromised relatives’ or something,” he said. “They aren’t kidding when they say this coronavirus shit kills, man. Oh, well. At least I’ve got Spring Break Two to look forward to.”
To all the struggling simps out there: Women are queens. Give them the social distance they deserve. It’s what’s best for now.
